How To Make A Tinfoil Hat

You may not think you’ll need this, but that is exactly what THEY want you to think, man. Follow along here to make sure there won’t be any aliens pokin’ around in your brain or other parts. Swing away, Merrill.

Illustrations by Alex Balosie

  1. Let’s get nervous. Stay up all night watching Ancient Aliens or read anything by Tom DeLonge. How do you fake a crop circles?! Take some caffeine pills, Stay up for two days. Don’t believe it’s your mom if she calls. They’re on to you.
  2. Get your shine on. Gather your materials. You definitely have some tinfoil in your house somewhere, do you ever remember purchasing it? No. But has it always been there? Well, just like A1 sauce and takeout packages of Sriracha in the back of the fridge, yes it has always been there and it will never not be.
  3. Make a Hat. Tear off a bit of aluminum, avoid cutting yourself on the serrated teethy bits, that shit hurts. Crumble that piece up because it’s too small. Try again. To be safe, tear off at least 48 inches worth of material. Carefully mold to your head, and gently alfalfa twist the top of the tinfoil down to just above the scalp, make sure it’s secure, but not too tight. Look in the mirror, be proud.
  4. Go about your day. Well, aren’t you having a great day at work with no little green men or government overlords reading your thoughts? What did Jennifer just say to you? Walk over to her desk and let her know not to come crying to you or to try to get into your bunker when the aliens invade. Eat cereal in the breakroom and glare at her.
  5. Stay creative. Alright, this hat is amazing and all, but do you want to wear the same one every day? No, let’s get some variety in there. Tinfoil berets, aluminum fedoras. Start your own line. Make it work, girl.