Ah, the share house… that summer ritual indulged by 20-somethings until they’re rich enough to stop being social. Because unless you’ve got a wealthy friend or a Sig-O who understands dividends, these rented homes are the only way to the Hamptons (cue life as a Montauk Matryoshka dolls.)
They can be a fun, but the boiling temperatures of summer’s end are known to cause tempers to erupt. It’s more important than ever to remember that your share house family is still a family. Treat them with love.
Lucky for you, Whalebone has compiled a foolproof guide on keeping your borrowed home meltdown free. Read on — and if all else fails, just find the nearest friend with Prozac.
1. Don’t Bring Your Hook Up
You know the tune: A Thursday evening text arrives from a friend asking to bring the person they just started dating… five days ago. The house is full, but you feel pressured to say yes — because crushing a friend’s opportunity for sex is like waterboarding their soul. (Read: Not a surf pun.)
But it’s 2015 people! If we can figure out selfie sticks, we know it’s not cool to invite people last minute. Don’t bring anyone unless you know their middle name. Or they’re friends with the owner of Surf Lodge. Or their friends are like, really, really hot.
2. Always Chip In
We get it — you’re gluten-free. You can’t eat Doritos. But just because your intestines won’t tolerate their cheesy goodness doesn’t mean you should argue about groceries. Things will go smoother if everyone ponies up for shared sustenance, regardless of whether every item catches their fancy.
On the flipside, don’t overeat just because you paid. Those of us who aren’t Michael Phelps should halt roughly around 3,000 calories.
3. Stay True To Your Word
A text, email, carrier pigeon or smoke signal is a legally binding contract to pay. It can’t be nullified — even if you forget about your best-friend’s-college-roommate’s bachelor party.
4. Don’t Overstay Your Welcome…
… in the bathroom. This is a barrack style of living and people need to understand their overly-crowded surroundings. 20 minutes is all you get! Sure, we love your summer bangs — but please. stop. blowdrying.
5. Offer To Take the Shitty Bed*
*For the sake of this article, the word “bed” is used in the loosest terms only.
A bed in the Hamptons takes many forms — bathtub… lawn chair… that awkward space between laundry machine and backdoor. Be a pal and offer to trade your California king for a lesser-loved spot sometimes. Your friends will be way more likely to chip in for that extra bottle of champers after a good night’s sleep. (See: Rule #1.)
Follow these 5 tips and you’ll surely have a happy home. And we should know — because no matter what they tell you in The Affair, no writer is rich enough to afford a Hamptons house of their own.
Editor’s note: Whalebone, like any good folk, enjoys summer (especially when spending it in dreamy locations with best friends), however, we do not encourage illegal occupancy and out-of-control share housing. Come correct, bring respect.