Created by Phil Davies & Taylor Harkey
For most of us, there’s nothing better than the fresh air and unidentified noises of the wilderness. But not everyone feels that way. For some folks, just the thought of the great outdoors makes them shart their Brooks Brothers seersucker Bermuda shorts. To those people, we say, don’t let the great outdoors intimidate you. With a few simple upgrades to camping essentials, just about anybody can take on anything mother nature throws his way.
THE ESSENTIALS
VillageCraft Container Home
Price: $12,500
Features: Laminate floors, interior wood paneling, recessed lighting and electrical sockets
Pros: Blocks out annoying nature sounds, like birds and babbling brooks
Cons: Laminate floors, wood paneling
Osaki 4000 Full-Body Massage Chair
Price: $2,395
Features: LCD display with wireless remote, six
unique programs, five levels of massage, seat vibration
Pros: Doesn’t come in camouflage
Cons: No cupholder or bidet
Beautyrest Black® Tatiana Ultimate Plush Pillow-Top King
Price: $5,699
Features: Surface-pool plus fiber, advanced pocket coil technology, 2.25″ of comfort foam
Pros: Eliminates sleeping on ever-so-slightly uneven ground
Cons: Doesn’t come in California king, box springs sold separately
Viking 30-inch Pro Sealed-Burner Gas with Convention OvenRange
Price: $4,699
Features: 30,000 BTU, 4 pro-sealed burners, convection oven, infrared broiler
Pros: Powerful burners make it easy to watch someone cook for you
Cons: Not disposable
Harajuku Hanging Lantern
Price: $580
Features: Fiber-reinforced pressed pulp rice paper, 100% wood, imported from Japan
Pros: Provides ample lighting for playing shakuhachi songs by the fire
Cons: It’s no Kamakura lantern, that’s for sure
36” Subzero Stainless Refrigerator
Price: $10,575
Features: NASA-inspired air purification system, easy-to-use microprocessor controls and magnetic door, 15.7 cu. ft.
Pros: French doors
Cons: French doors not bear-proof
Louis Vuitton Monogram Canvas Cruiser 50
Price: $1,175
Features: Classic monogram canvas with cowhide leather trim and handles, securely closes with a double zipper and a buckle
Pros: Turns heads on the trail
Cons: Laughter immediately follows
BUILDING A GLAMPFIRE
- Run extension cord to your Google Home.
- Say, “OK, Google. How do I start a fire?”
- If that doesn’t work, run extension cord to 42″ plasma TV.
- Using Google Chromecast, Youtube: “Campfire”
- Place TV in middle of circle, and go full-screen.
- Enjoy video of campfire.
- For safety, unplug TV before going to bed.
GLAMPSITE COOKING TECHNIQUES
- Download the UberEats app on your smartphone.
- Sign in with your Uber account.
- Select delivery address.
- Choose available wildlife in the area, such as fish, duck, bison, etc.
- Add wildlife to cart.
- Place order.
- Wait for Uber driver to catch, kill, cook and deliver your dinner.
- Tip driver.
GLAMPING DOS
✓ Do pack an extra MacBook Pro.
✓ Do carry small bills. There’s no change in the woods.
✓ Do book the closest suite at the W, just in case.
✓ Do bring your 1,800-thread count sheets.
✓ Do talk with a British accent.
✓ Do complain about it being too quiet.
✓ Do point out that your parents never took you camping.
✓ Do remember the Grey Poupon.
GLAMPING DON’TS
✘ Don’t eat anything without a Whole Foods label.
✘ Don’t make s’mores. That’s beneath you.
✘ Don’t sing “Kumbaya.” My Lord, don’t.
✘ Don’t offer to take first watch.
✘ Don’t believe the words “we’re almost to the top.”
✘ Don’t wipe with anything less than two-ply.
✘ Don’t suck the poison out of anything.
✘ Don’t say, “We should do this again.”
