How to go malls-to-the-wall on your next glamping trip.
Created by Phil Davies & Taylor Harkey
Some people are reading the National Park issue and getting totally inspired to get out there and seek adventure in our country’s greatest national parks. Others are sharting their Brooks Brothers seersucker Bermuda shorts. This article is for those people. So to you, we say, don’t let the great outdoors intimidate you. With a few simple items, we’ll show you how to take on anything Mother Nature throws your way, and look amazing doing it.
Tent: VillageCraft Container Home
Price: $12,500
Features: Laminate floors, interior wood paneling, recessed lighting and electrical sockets
PROS: Blocks out annoying nature sounds, like birds and babbling brooks
CONS: Laminate floors, wood paneling
Camping Chair: Osaki 4000 Full-Body Massage Chair
Price: $2,395
Features: LCD display with wireless remote, six unique programs, five levels of massage, seat vibration
PROS: Doesn’t come in camouflage
Sleeping Pad: Beautyrest Black® Tatiana Ultimate Plush Pillow Top King
Price: $5,699
Features: Surface-Cool Plus Fiber. Advanced Pocket Coil technology. 2.25″ of comfort foam
PROS: Eliminates sleeping on ever-so-slightly uneven ground
CONS: Doesn’t come in California king; box springs sold separately
Camping Stove: 30″ Viking Gas Range
Price: $4,699
Features: 30,000 BTU, 4 pro-sealed burners, convection oven, infrared broiler
PROS: Powerful burners make it easy to watch someone cook for you
CONS: Not disposable
Lantern: Harajuku Hanging Lantern
Price: $580
Features: Fiber-reinforced pressed pulp rice paper, 100 percent wood, imported from Japan
PROS: Provides ample lighting for playing shakuhachi songs by the fire
CONS: It’s no Kamakura lantern, that’s for sure
Cooler: 36″ Subzero Stainless Refrigerator
Price: $10,575
Features: NASA-inspired air purification system. Easy-to-use microprocessor controls and magnetic door. 15.7 cu. ft.
PROS: French doors
CONS: Bears can open French doors
Backpack: Louis Vuitton Monogram Canvas Cruiser 50
Price: $1,175
Features: Classic monogram canvas with cowhide leather trim and handles. Securely closes with a double zipper and a buckle
PROS: Turns heads on the trail
CONS: Laughter immediately follows
Glamping Do’s and Don’ts
Do’s
- Do pack an extra MacBook Pro.
- Do carry small bills. There’s no change in the woods.
- Do book the closest suite at the W, just in case.
- Do bring your 1,800-thread count sheets.
- Do talk with a British accent.
- Do complain about it being too quiet.
- Do point out that your parents never took you camping.
- Do remember the Grey Poupon.
Don’ts
- Don’t eat anything without a Whole Foods label.
- Don’t make s’mores. That’s beneath you.
- Don’t sing Kumbaya. My Lord, don’t.
- Don’t offer to take first watch.
- Don’t believe the words, “We’re almost to the top.”
- Don’t wipe with anything less than two-ply.
- Don’t suck the poison out of anything.
- Don’t say, “We should do this again.”
Building a Glampfire
- Run extension cord to your Google Home.
- Say, “Okay, Google. How do I start a fire?”
- If that doesn’t work, run extension cord to 42″ plasma TV.
- Using Google Chromecast, Youtube: “Campfire.”
- Place TV in middle of circle, and go full-screen.
- Enjoy video of campfire.
- For safety, unplug TV before going to bed.
Glampsite Cooking Techniques
- Download the Uber Eats app on your smartphone.
- Sign in with your Uber account.
- Select delivery address.
- Choose available wildlife in the area, such as fish, duck, bison, etc.
- Add wildlife to cart.
- Place order.
- Wait for Uber driver to catch, kill, cook and deliver your dinner.
- Tip driver.
