Extreme Glamping

tent in the distance down a dirt path.

How to go malls-to-the-wall on your next glamping trip. 

Created by Phil Davies & Taylor Harkey

Some people are reading the National Park issue and getting totally inspired to get out there and seek adventure in our country’s greatest national parks. Others are sharting their Brooks Brothers seersucker Bermuda shorts. This article is for those people. So to you, we say, don’t let the great outdoors intimidate you. With a few simple items, we’ll show you how to take on anything Mother Nature throws your way, and look amazing doing it. 

illustration of the VillageCraft Container Home 

Tent: VillageCraft Container Home 

Price: $12,500 
Features: Laminate floors, interior wood paneling, recessed lighting and electrical sockets 

PROS: Blocks out annoying nature sounds, like birds and babbling brooks 
CONS: Laminate floors, wood paneling 

illustration of the Osaki 4000 Full-Body Massage Chair

Camping Chair: Osaki 4000 Full-Body Massage Chair

Price: $2,395 
Features: LCD display with wireless remote, six unique programs, five levels of massage, seat vibration 

PROS: Doesn’t come in camouflage 

illustration of the Beautyrest Black® Tatiana Ultimate Plush Pillow Top King 

Sleeping Pad: Beautyrest Black® Tatiana Ultimate Plush Pillow Top King 

Price: $5,699 
Features: Surface-Cool Plus Fiber. Advanced Pocket Coil technology. 2.25″ of comfort foam 

PROS: Eliminates sleeping on ever-so-slightly uneven ground 
CONS: Doesn’t come in California king; box springs sold separately 

illustration of the 30" Viking Gas Range 

Camping Stove: 30″ Viking Gas Range 

Price: $4,699 
Features: 30,000 BTU, 4 pro-sealed burners, convection oven, infrared broiler 

PROS: Powerful burners make it easy to watch someone cook for you 
CONS: Not disposable 

iluustration of the Harajuku Hanging Lantern 

Lantern: Harajuku Hanging Lantern 

Price: $580 
Features: Fiber-reinforced pressed pulp rice paper, 100 percent wood, imported from Japan 

PROS: Provides ample lighting for playing shakuhachi songs by the fire 
CONS: It’s no Kamakura lantern, that’s for sure 

illustration of the Subzero Stainless Refrigerator 

Cooler: 36″ Subzero Stainless Refrigerator 

Price: $10,575 
Features: NASA-inspired air purification system. Easy-to-use microprocessor controls and magnetic door. 15.7 cu. ft. 

PROS: French doors 
CONS: Bears can open French doors 

illustration of the Louis Vuitton Monogram Canvas Cruiser 50

Backpack: Louis Vuitton Monogram Canvas Cruiser 50 

Price: $1,175 
Features: Classic monogram canvas with cowhide leather trim and handles. Securely closes with a double zipper and a buckle 

PROS: Turns heads on the trail 
CONS: Laughter immediately follows 

Glamping Do’s and Don’ts


  • Do pack an extra MacBook Pro. 
  • Do carry small bills. There’s no change in the woods. 
  • Do book the closest suite at the W, just in case. 
  • Do bring your 1,800-thread count sheets. 
  • Do talk with a British accent. 
  • Do complain about it being too quiet. 
  • Do point out that your parents never took you camping. 
  • Do remember the Grey Poupon.  


  • Don’t eat anything without a Whole Foods label.
  • Don’t make s’mores. That’s beneath you. 
  • Don’t sing Kumbaya. My Lord, don’t.  
  • Don’t offer to take first watch. 
  • Don’t believe the words, “We’re almost to the top.”
  • Don’t wipe with anything less than two-ply.  
  • Don’t suck the poison out of anything. 
  • Don’t say, “We should do this again.” 

illustration of glampfire with alexa plugged in.

Building a Glampfire

  1. Run extension cord to your Google Home. 
  2. Say, “Okay, Google. How do I start a fire?” 
  3. If that doesn’t work, run extension cord to 42″ plasma TV. 
  4. Using Google Chromecast, Youtube: “Campfire.” 
  5. Place TV in middle of circle, and go full-screen. 
  6. Enjoy video of campfire. 
  7. For safety, unplug TV before going to bed. 

illustration of glampfire with chinese takeout in the corner.

Glampsite Cooking Techniques

  1. Download the Uber Eats app on your smartphone. 
  2. Sign in with your Uber account. 
  3. Select delivery address. 
  4. Choose available wildlife in the area, such as fish, duck, bison, etc. 
  5. Add wildlife to cart. 
  6. Place order. 
  7. Wait for Uber driver to catch, kill, cook and deliver your dinner. 
  8. Tip driver.