If you’re reading this from the office today because you were the one branch manager that didn’t receive the invite to your company’s corporate wilderness retreat, just know that it’s all going to be okay.

As one Michael Scott famously demonstrated in season four, episode seven of The Office, camping is not about a bunch of guys comfortably hanging around a campfire and eating s’mores under the stars. It’s about going out into the middle of absolutely nowhere, with no one but yourself, and trying not to die.

Screenshot: The Office

Thanks to Michael (and Dwight Schrute), we’re proud to present the official guide to becoming a survivor man. Remember, don’t eat the mushrooms.

From the Desk of Michael Scott

Do’s

Do treat your visit to the wild as an exercise in disaster simulation (i.e. your plane crashed or you’ve been left for dead by a serial killer)
Do only bring the clothes on your back and what’s currently in your pockets
Do fashion a spear from a fallen tree limb (to impale your dinner)
Do consider using your clothes to forge shelter (i.e. a “pants tent”)

Don’ts

Don’t tell anyone where you’re going, or when you’ll be back
Don’t be afraid to break out into passionate battle cries (no one can hear you)
Don’t eat unidentified vegetation

Screenshot: The Office

Essentials

1 Tactical knife
1 Roll of duct tape
1 Medium-sized bag of granola
1 VHS-handy cam (for documentation purposes)
1 Standard tripod (for filming third-person angles)

Miscellaneous Tips

Try not to be eaten by an animal, or be overexposed
If the sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, it will be hot outside. Be careful of depleting your resources
Anything you’ve brought with you can be put to use (i.e. fashioning a sports coat into a backpack, using cut-off pant legs as a handkerchief, etc.)
The woods are full of animals that can sustain human life