What happens when our two favorite yellow dogs stop being polite and start getting realW
e’ve actually never wondered what dogs are thinking about. They seem pretty straightforward (unlike our accountant who really keeps us guessing). We know they want all the people food there ever was and they want you to scratch the spot that makes their leg go all crazy, but what do they talk to their friends about? They probably talk about how annoying it is when humans talk to them with that baby voice. To be fair, in dog years, they’re older than we are. Respect your elders.
The Whalebone Department of Mammal Neurology has tapped into the brains of two of our favorite goldens to answer the question we really didn’t know needed answering. If Elon Musk can do it with a pig, we can do it with our puppers. The groundbreaking answers await.
So while Vaughan and Eddie, the humans who follow Skye and Zaida around Montauk to the Brew Co. Tap Room and The Boneyard, tasted some beer, and the dogs tasted some BIXBI treats, we listened in. The Head Scientist at the Whalebone Department of Mammal Neurology will serve as our narrator.
Narrator: It was a sunny afternoon in Montauk, when the sound waves started to become decipherable in our headphones, translating what Zaida and Sky were really talking about…
Zaida: You know, I don’t really understand why some humans continue to feed some of our friends the basic crap full of sawdust and filler. They are all so health and diet conscious these days, watching what they eat, worried about if they accidentally ingest some gluten. Not saying I’d be able to go plant-based, that just doesn’t seem realistic for me, but I want to look good, feel good.
Sky: You are always so concerned about the human world. Give it a rest. Chew on a stick or something.
Zaida: Sky, this is exactly what I’m talking about. You’re all down in the dumps because you couldn’t catch that cat you were chasing earlier. Now I don’t want to be the one to say it, but maybe you should think about a health kick. Ya know, shed some fur and a pound or two and that feline will be yours.
Sky: Did you just call me fat?
Zaida: Take it as you will—I call it honesty. And It’s not your fault. It’s all the humans, they don’t know what’s best for us. Look at the two of them up there. They probably think we’re thinking about balls or something. Such small brains on those humans.
Sky: You know what? You’re right. I mean I just don’t get how it’s not obvious to them that we want real food, too. I literally spend hours sitting next to the table, day in and day out, trying to tell Vaughan that when he’s eating. But I just get the ole “go lay down.”
Zaida: Yeah, it’s all “Stop begging, Zaida.” Well what else am I supposed to do when I want real food too? We can’t speak english and I don’t have opposable thumbs to spell it out for the two-leggeds. Looking as adorable as possible is the only way to try and get them to pay attention to what they dump in the bowl.
Sky: There’s gotta be a way to get them to feed us the real stuff. I’m over the processed stuff. I want responsibly sourced food like what all the farm-to-table places are doing. The humans love that shit. Well guess what? We also love it. We’re animals. We’re supposed to be eating au naturel.
Zaida: Also, what about the treats. Treats are the best, but they should probably also be beneficial for us. But I love treats because I know I did something good and they normally come with a solid belly or head rub.
You know what? That one lab from down the street always seems super chilled out.
Zaida: You know what? That one lab from down the street always seems super chilled out. I’ve never heard him mention his joints aching, his coat is yellow luxury, and now that I think about it, I haven’t seen him sick from either end in a long time.
Sky: He told me his human was feeding him mushrooms and hemp oil. Says it’s ‘medicinal.’ What a bunch of hippies over there.
Zaida: But I want a coat like that, no pain in my joints, and the vet is the worst place in the world. Anything to stay away from there. Plus I hear mushrooms and this hemp stuff can be pretty fun. CBD is the new thing in the human world. All types of gummies and oils that, of course, we’re not allowed to even smell, but if our fellow lab can have it and reap the benefits, why can’t we?
Sky: You know what? You make a good point. Give us the natural supplements that have natural benefits. I wanna know what I’m eating and that I’m going to feel better. Plus you could really use the CBD to calm down.
Zaida: Oh whatever. Wait, why are they coming over here? They didn’t hear us talking about them did they? Eddie’s my best friend. I didn’t mean it Eddie!
Sky:“See, CBD would really help you to chill the hell out. All he’s doing is walking over here… Wait, do you smell that?
Zaida: Is that…
Sky: I think so…
Narrator: We can see the dogs scrambling as Eddie and Vaughan pull something from their pockets… Turns out they asked Mr. Labrador’s human to borrow some of his treats. He enlightened the two golden parents on BIXBI. Where the hippie treats and other yummy things come from. He happened to share a couple of those treats, and his third Wave Chaser was on the house. A true win-win.
Sky: Forget everything I said, I don’t care what’s in it. This is a cheat day. Health kick starts first thing tomorrow.
Zaida: Wow, these smell better than any other treat I’ve had. Is that peanut butter I smell?
Sky: I’m not sure I just got a whiff of bacon. Ooohhhhh you know I love bacon.
Zaida: Yeah, which is why you couldn’t catch that cat.
Sky: You bi—but, damn that’s good.
Zaida: Mmm. This is top notch. Best I’ve had. And honestly, I don’t feel bloated or lethargic afterward like I used to with the other treats.
Sky: Almost tasted like something that dropped off the dinner table. I didn’t feel like I was eating something that was supposed to taste like food but didn’t. This, this is the real deal.
Narrator: Today Eddie and Vaughan learned a valuable lesson. Technology has done it again, and even though they were told they have small brains, they learned something today. They learned that dogs want real food and supplements, too—maybe some CBD. Real, responsibly sourced food, made for dogs, because humans and dogs alike, all like to feel good.
From this day forward, they agreed to only ever buy their beloved goldens BIXBI food, treats and supplements. Because the health of your dog is just as important as the health of yourself.
Sky: Hey, are you feeling really relaxed?
Zaida: Honestly, I feel the best I’ve ever felt. Inside and out. Relaxed is an understatement.