6 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Your Office Holiday Party This Year

Photo: Paul Drinkwater

December… peak season for co-worker camaraderie and office encounters of the awkward kind. Yes, it’s that special time of year when the usually razor-edged lines separating workplace conduct and “inappropriate behavior” get a Yuletide blurring, a la Robin Thicke. And whether your superior is a staunch Bill Lumberg or more of a Michael Scott, some actions are guaranteed to land you a security-escorted walk of shame, and your very own nightmare before Christmas. Here’s a half dozen of ’em.

Dressing inappropriately. Dawning a bodily mistletoe or distasteful antler placement of any kind is low-brow hilarious, but also strictly not permitted. Unless… no there’s no way to openly solicit that kind of action and not get the boot.

Shamelessly hitting on your boss’ wife. Most 21st century media outlets and blogs will tell you that flirting is perfectly healthy. What they won’t tell you is that flirting with certain folks—like El Jefe’s missus—does not fall under that umbrella of romantic advice. But if you’re gonna do it, go all out: sub your +1 for a wingman and have him distract your superior while you mouth “I know you want it” to his wife of 40+ years. #Deny #all #claims.

Vomiting punch back into the punch bowl. I know, I know — you have acid reflux and nobody told you there was high concentrate orange juice in Linda’s fruit punch. Sorry Tom, still a red card.

Feeding the company’s unpaid interns a plate of Christmas cookies laced with industrial strength psychedelics. If you’re really looking to make the firm’s youngins go snap/crackle/pop, you can also swap out Christmas cookies for homemade Rice Trippy Treats. That fleet of underpaid, underfed interns won’t know what hit them, but you will. Elevate this to a punishable crime via multiple government agencies by procuring monies in exchange for the treats.

Attempting to impress the office with a parody Christmas jingle (especially as a a first year). So you really thought bringing an acoustic guitar and singing less-than-tasteful lyrical alterations for “Come All Ye Faithful” was going to do your spot on the job ladder a solid? Not even an underaged junior associate will grant your DIY jingle a giggle. In the words of baby Yeezus, “I’mma let you finish” but have the car heated up because it’s going to be your swan song.

Sneaking back into the office party through a small crevice (i.e. bathroom window) after being kicked out for any of the aforementioned offenses. People that go the distance when trying to gain reentry to events/bars they’ve been kicked out of are the best type of heroes. The logical play this time around is to just change up the shirt, or if you don’t have another, put the current one on inside-out. Bonus points for rallying the psychedelic-fueled interns via text message to abet you on this shit attempt to rejoin the party.