The Psychology of Pizza

Design: Kingsley Spencer

Who are you? What does your pizza order and preferences say about you? Is there a way to pinpoint the exact science behind what makes us tick? We’re fairly sure Whalebone has uncovered a way to help answer all of these questions and more.

We’ve created a test to see where you stand, in the lore of craziness or just an average pizza eater. The science team here at Whalebone says these questions are backed by a scientific method, and that its results are 100% accurate, but we haven’t met anyone on our science team, yet. Nor are we sure where they have been acquiring their funding. Anyways, take the test. We hope it reveals a little something about you that you can choose to tell or not tell your friends. No judging.

1. How do you eat your pizza?

(a) The folding method

(b) With a knife and fork

(c) Crust first (yes, even adults still do this)

(d) Just biting right into it

(e) Save the crust for later type

2. What’s your go-to pizza toppings? (or lack thereof?)

(a) Plain Cheese

(b) Meat (pepperoni/bacon/even hamburger you strap hanger you)

(c) Veggies

(d) Anchovies

(e) Hawaiian

3. When, or how often, do you eat pizza?

(a) Usually at 2 am walking home from 310

(b) A slice before happy hour to get that base

(c) Once a week or so—Sunday Funday

(d) Every damn day

(e) Only on special occasions (what’s wrong with you?)

4. Who are you most likely found to be enjoying pizza with?

(a) A good friend

(b) Boss or co-worker

(c) A complete stranger you met on the sidewalk

(d) Yourself or near a pet

(e) Larry David

5. Where do you order/pick up from when you’re dying for pizza?

(a) Large chain (think Pizza Hut)

(b) Local pizzeria

(c) Fine Italian restaurant

(d) The freezer section

(e) A bar and grill that specializes in flatbread pizza

6. Beverage of choice to accompany pizza?

(a) Water

(b) Coke

(c) Cherry Coke

(d) Chocolate milk

(e) Ranch

7. Preferred dipping sauce?

(a) Hidden Valley Ranch

(b) Hot Sauce

(c) Hidden Valley Ranch and Hot Sauce

(d) Four Gallons of Hidden Valley

(e) Bleu Cheese

8. Preferred side item?

(a) Breadsticks

(b) Garlic breadsticks

(c) Cheesesticks

(d) Chicken wings

(e) Cinnastix

9. Temperature level?

(a) “Not too hot boss”

(b) Morning after (room temp)

(c) Hot on the bottom, cold on the top

(d) Fresh out the fridge

(e) Burn my mouth into oblivion, but here’s another bite

10. “I would give up _______ for a life-supply of pizza.”

(a) Christmas presents this year

(b) Spring breaks for a decade

(c) Significant other

(d) A month of personal hygiene

(e) Index finger on my dominant hand

Scale: (a) = 1, (b) = 2, (c) = 3, (d) = 4, (e) = 5. Add up your score and divide by 10.

The Results

Now that you have your final score, use your proprietary algorithm to determine your personality results based on your unique pizza preferences.

The Play-It-Safer AKA Captain Chill

Score: 1 – 1.9

You’re doing great things in life. Albeit, some of those things might involve cleaning and pressing your collection of khakis while you watch Wheel of Fortune, but it’s great stuff. Everyone needs a safe friend they can call when the shit hits the fan, and that friend is you. There is comfort in predictability and you’re as comfortable as grandpa’s recliner on a Sunday afternoon, which is nice. See, you’re doing great things already. Your lucky number is 2 (because that’s a nice, even number).

The Weekday Warrior AKA Sarah Sass-Pants

Score: 2 – 2.9

A little salt on your Margherita? Sure! Why not? It’s Friday night and you’re at TGI Fridays after all. Your relationship with your pet is normal, you don’t have an Instagram for him/her—but you’ve considered it. Work plays a large role in your life, and while you’re not the boss today, there is a horizon out there that has your name on it. Take a couple more chances here and there. Your lucky number is 82.

The Budding Extrovert AKA Pizza-Venturer

Score: 3 – 3.9

Woah there. Someone knows a few bartenders by their first name! You’re always checking your social media, but you don’t need “likes” to justify your existence. No, not you. Happiness and good times tend to follow you around, although there’s a growing concern from your parents that you’ll end up alone. But you’re thinking too much about pizza to worry about that kind of stuff. You’re lucky number is 7 and 11—often combined.

The Dancefloor Killa AKA Wild Child

Score: 4 – 4.9

Did you really just get above a four? Wow. This is awkward. You might need to talk to someone. While you have [finger air quotes] good intentions [end finger air quotes], it seems that continuing to wake up barefoot with pizza all over your face in strange locations isn’t the safest thing. People might just be [finger air quotes] worried about you [end finger air quotes]. Just remember, life’s a marathon, not a race, and it’s easier with shoes. Your lucky number are 1 and 100 because there is no in-between.

The Ringmaster AKA Jim Carey’s Stunt Double

Score: 5+

Welcome to Psychoville, where Finkle’s the mayor. Unfortunately you’re Finkle, and Einhorn, and probably a number of other Disney character personalities. Shit is real. The fire engine red lipstick you smear on each night before you go out hunting doesn’t quite match your bloodshot eyes, but it’s close. The face that you’re likely chewing on this magazine instead of reading it, is a good indicator that the idea of steady employment left your world a long time ago. You have no lucky numbers because you already shoved them up your nostrils. Good luck, though…check, please.