In hand, yet out of hand
Illustrations by Alex Balosie
You’re probably wondering why it’s even called a Bloody Mary. Turns out it’s one of those things that has a slightly different name depending on where you’re asking for it. But to answer your question, no: The Bloody Mary was not named after the scary lady people try to summon in the mirror in a dark bathroom by repeating the name three times. We’ve all tried it. But we’ll stick to the tomato juice and vodka cocktail that has come a long and rather elaborate way since its inception. Not Maria, not Margaret, strictly Mary. Who knew you could shove that much food onto skewers and that many skewers into a drink and that many drinks into your body? Bloody delicious.
The Bloody Mary
Your classic, average Bloody Mary. Not even as fancy as an airport Bloody Mary, but more like the ones they serve on the actual plane. Tomato juice and vodka. Maybe some Tabasco if you’re feeling really wild.
The Bacon Bloody
This is where things start to get out of hand. Remember when getting a Bloody Mary with a piece of bacon in it was maybe even cooler than the cool uncle at Thanksgiving? (Some extravagant so-and-so had to take it further, but we’ll get there eventually.) A drink with snacks. Not only the celery but also some olives and a pickle. The more the merrier or something like that.
Clam Bam Thank You Ma’am
For those who enjoy a fresh catch, dive into this fresh hell of a drink. Called the Clam Bam because some people throw a little clam juice into their Bloodies—the true taste of the sea with a fusion of subaquatic flavors from the skewered anchovies. Comes with a pound of clams and the fresh catch. Also on skewers. The notes of fresh fish really complement the tomato. Hopefully, you know how to clean a fish, because we sure don’t. Fillet knife not included.
The Garden Variety
The morning beverage that’s better than coffee. First, it’s alcoholic. Second, this Bloody is the drink that keeps on giving. Not only do you get the crispy but now soggy bacon strip, you also get an entire tomato plant as a garnish to bring home with you. Hopefully your bag is big enough for a fruiting crop. Harvest when ripe to make your own Bloody Mary mix at home. The circle of life. Note: Supply of bacon, celery, olives and lemons is not included for future beverage concoctions.
You thought you were getting a drink? Wrong. You won’t even need lunch after this beast of a Bloody. Good luck getting to the straw through the towers of flapjacks skewered over it. Complete with melted butter and syrup for extra flavor. Pairs pretty nicely with that infamous bacon slice and the Cholula. Comes with the morning comics and a pair of slippers to really make you feel at home. Order in your robe to get a bonus sausage shoved into your drink. Offer not eligible on Sundays.
The Mary Mister
An ideal drink for the lonesome traveler considering this one comes with company. Not only do you get a quality beverage, you also get the companionship of a fine gentleman named Arnold. Proper as he comes, Arnold will be dressed in traditional butler garb, including sleek white gloves, serving you his mother’s rendition of a Thanksgiving turkey on a silver platter.
Bloody Mary-nator 3000
A spicy and hearty meal to start your day. Prepare your tastebuds for the ride of a lifetime. This Bloody Mary has its own roller coaster, complete with an on-ride camera to capture the thrill of this completely excessive drink. We are not liable for any damages or injuries that may occur whilst consuming and/or riding this Bloody Mary. Consumer discretion is advised. Must meet minimum height requirements.
The Meta Mary
A to-the-brim pint glass of classic Bloody Mary kissed on the forehead by Betty White with angel tear-infused vodka and a splash of hot sauce. With this comes a four-course meal (not including the filet mignon) and your choice of NFT from our latest drop to be displayed in-house until we go out of business, which is going to be soon because this business model is wildly unsustainable. Cryptocurrency only.