Piñata Obituaries

The piñata was made popular by the locals of Mexico who knew that the best way to get candy was to beat it out of the sky. But with every joyous celebration, comes loss.


undreds of thousands of piñatas are sacrificed each year so that others may party. So we gather here today to mourn the loss of the world’s most legendary piñatas as we celebrate their short, but meaningful lives.

Piñata name: MR. WIZARD

Occasion: An 11-year-old bully’s birthday

Design: Microscope

Filled with: Nerds, Nerd ropes, actual nerds from the local high school chess club

Killed with: Classic yellow whiffleball bat

Whacks de muerto: X X X X X X X X




Piñata name: Preggy Preggerton

Occasion: Gender-reveal party

Design: A paper maché casting of soon-to-be mom’s belly

Filled with: Diapers, sippy cups and the paternity test results

Killed with: Dad’s electric guitar he’ll have to Craigslist-trade for a breast pump

Whacks de muerto: X X X X




Piñata name: Old Man Witherspoon

Occasion: Retirement party

Design: Oxygen tank

Filled with: Hearing aid batteries, gardening tips, Centrum Silver

Killed with: A walker with tennis balls on the feet

Whacks de muerto: X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X




Piñata name: Mr. and Ms. Judge Judy

Occasion: Fifth marriage

Design: Bride and groom

Filled with: Annulment papers

Killed with: The lead singer’s mic stand in the wedding band

Whacks de muerto: X X X X X X




Piñata name: Delikatz

Occasion: Bar Mitzvah

Design: A kosher deli sandwich

Filled with: Chocolate gold coins and Turtle’s tokens

Killed with: The sheer will of a boy who just became a man

Whacks de muerto: X X X X X X X X X X X X X




Piñata name: Mercedes Cinnamon-RAVEN

Occasion: Bachelor party

Design: Illegal in 13 states

Filled with: Airplane mini-bottles, prophylactics and regret

Killed with: A six-inch stiletto from “Officer” Destiny Cherry

Whacks de muerto: X




Piñata name: Quincy

Occasion: Quinceañera

Design: Piñata Clásica

Filled with: Avocados from Mexico

Killed with: A rolled-up Menudo poster

Whacks de muerto: X X X X