The piñata was made popular by the locals of Mexico who knew that the best way to get candy was to beat it out of the sky. But with every joyous celebration, comes loss.
Hundreds of thousands of piñatas are sacrificed each year so that others may party. So we gather here today to mourn the loss of the world’s most legendary piñatas as we celebrate their short, but meaningful lives.
Piñata name: MR. WIZARD
Occasion: An 11-year-old bully’s birthday
Design: Microscope
Filled with: Nerds, Nerd ropes, actual nerds from the local high school chess club
Killed with: Classic yellow whiffleball bat
Whacks de muerto: X X X X X X X X
Piñata name: Preggy Preggerton
Occasion: Gender-reveal party
Design: A paper maché casting of soon-to-be mom’s belly
Filled with: Diapers, sippy cups and the paternity test results
Killed with: Dad’s electric guitar he’ll have to Craigslist-trade for a breast pump
Whacks de muerto: X X X X
Piñata name: Old Man Witherspoon
Occasion: Retirement party
Design: Oxygen tank
Filled with: Hearing aid batteries, gardening tips, Centrum Silver
Killed with: A walker with tennis balls on the feet
Whacks de muerto: X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
Piñata name: Mr. and Ms. Judge Judy
Occasion: Fifth marriage
Design: Bride and groom
Filled with: Annulment papers
Killed with: The lead singer’s mic stand in the wedding band
Whacks de muerto: X X X X X X
Piñata name: Delikatz
Occasion: Bar Mitzvah
Design: A kosher deli sandwich
Filled with: Chocolate gold coins and Turtle’s tokens
Killed with: The sheer will of a boy who just became a man
Whacks de muerto: X X X X X X X X X X X X X
Piñata name: Mercedes Cinnamon-RAVEN
Occasion: Bachelor party
Design: Illegal in 13 states
Filled with: Airplane mini-bottles, prophylactics and regret
Killed with: A six-inch stiletto from “Officer” Destiny Cherry
Whacks de muerto: X
Piñata name: Quincy
Occasion: Quinceañera
Design: Piñata Clásica
Filled with: Avocados from Mexico
Killed with: A rolled-up Menudo poster
Whacks de muerto: X X X X
