Back in the day, it was easier to get stuff done at work. There was no social media. No constant distractions on your bag phone. Just you, a word processor, and one of these office icons knocking out whatever people did in offices back then.
But as corporate America would have it, those office icons were eventually fired and forced into early retirement. We tracked down the most prominent ones to see what they’re up to today. It’s quite disturbing, really. Enjoy.
CLIPPY THE PAPERCLIP
Office Job: With his big creepy paperclip eyes and unhelpful tips, Clippy was basically a corporate spy, popping up roughly every seven seconds to help you format your letter announcing your two-weeks notice.
Fired for: Clipping himself to the boss’ wife at the company holiday party.
Currently: Stretched out and being used to scrape the resin out of a teenager’s bong.
Comeback chance: X X
SAD MAC
Office Job: Mac’s digital smile popped up at reboot and was intended to help you forget all about the fatal system error that occured, wiping out everything you were working on for the last 36 hours.
Fired for: MacPainting profanity on the walls in the MacCorporate bathroom stalls.
Currently: Recovering from a deep depression following the release of his replacement, the Blueberry iMac.
Comeback chance: X X X
JEEVES FROM ASK JEEVES
Office Job: Jeeves was a butler who specialized in serving up total B.S., spending most of his day answering pre-Web MD questions about bizarre skin rashes in even more bizarre places.
Fired for: Drinking dirty martinis on the job with Mr. Belvedere.
Currently: Serving back-to-back life sentences in a maximum state prison for attempted murder of Alexa.
Comeback chance: X X X X
AOL INSTANT MESSENGER
Office Job: Deliver the good news that you’ve got mail, which was really just 15 forwarded jokes from your mom and one chain letter threatening imminent death if you didn’t print and mail it to ten friends within 24 hours.
Fired for: Pushing 30-day Netscape 1.0 trials on kids who would spend hours and hours waiting to download a single jpeg of a pair of boobs.
Currently: Training for a half marathon.
Comeback chance: X X X
WEBSITE “UNDER CONSTRUCTION” WORKER
Office Job: When websites first came out, none of them worked. The Under Construction guy’s job was to jackhammer away all site traffic until the company went under.
Fired for: An Error 404, as well as an Error 678 and Error 770.
Currently: Collecting worker’s comp after jackhammering his foot on a beta version of MySpace.
Comeback chance: X
BIC PENS
Office Job: BIC’s job was to make black, blue and red letters that spelled words and made sentences before computers made writing obsolete.
Fired for: Stealing other BIC pens from the office.
Currently: Crammed in the back of a drawer, huffing a highlighter.
Comeback chance: X X X X X
MSN BUTTERFLY
Office Job: Provide a messaging service that finally made it possible to avoid a face-to-face meeting with the guy who brought tuna for lunch.
Fired for: Sleeping with an intern in a cocoon on a corporate trip.
Currently: On a Panama Beach tattoo shop flash art sheet waiting for spring break
Comeback chance: X X X X
ZIGGY DAILY CALENDAR
Office Job: Let people know what day it was while simultaneously providing a PG-rated joke that made every day feel like Monday.
Fired for: Not wearing pants, ever.
Currently: Being sued by both the Ziggy Marley and Ziggy Stardust estates for single-handedly tainting the name Ziggy.
Comeback chance: X X X
