Surely, sometime in the next week, we all will find ourselves in a place that one wouldn’t exactly consider “desirable”. A small seat aboard a large means of long distance transportation, an ice cold wooden church pew, Aunt Kathy’s weirdly decorated den… You may feel your inner Scrooge McDuck longing to shit upon all things joyful and triumphant.
But fear not, black sheep and weary holiday travelers, for there is salvation—even if Aunt Kathy only has basic cable. Surrender yourself to them, and Christmas movies will save you.
1. Gremlins (1984)
Yes, it is a Christmas movie, and yes it’s on TNT right now. Go snuggle up with that yorkie you can’t believe is still alive and give it a watch.
2. Just Friends (2005)
Even in a fat suit, Ryan Reynolds is handsome enough to make me question my own sexuality, and he’s good for more than a few giggles in this good old-fashioned romantic comedy sprinkled with the essence of Christmas.
3. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
An emotional thrill ride of an animated full-length. Tim burton in his prime, cold-pressed and strained through a Disney filter.
4. Elf (2003)
Obligatory crowd-pleaser approved by god-awful nephew.
5. Home Alone (1990)
This movie was released in 1990 and is still a cornerstone of topical pop-culture references, or “memes.” Also features a cameo by our future president…
6. Fred Claus (2007)
They really let Vince Vaughn off the leash for this fantasy comedy opposite Paul Giamatti. And the CGI work is impressive, the guy on the Amtrak watching over your shoulder seems to agree.
7. Saturday Night Live’s “You’re a Rat Bastard, Charlie Brown”
It’s not a movie, but this skit has as many, if not more full-belly laughs than any full length motion picture. I mean just look at the title.
For more holiday tips/suggestions from Ol’ Saint Rick , check out 6 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Your Office Holiday Party This Year. Merry f*cking Christmas.