Plenty of Fish in the Sea
Could some of mythology’s more tragic figures have a second chance at love?
Relationships are hard. And sometimes we might paint our exes in a light that may not be the prettiest. But remember there are always two sides to every story, and so someone who sure sounds like a monster could just be misunderstood. They might even be victims of history’s greatest and most outrageous love stories, like these poor misunderstood souls just looking for love. The battlefield of love is significantly more precarious when you have divine power.
Siren
Age: 2,703 years old
Lives in: Somewhere in the Mediterranean
Seeking: Lovers of music, and non-swimmers
A little bit about yourself: If I’m being honest, I’m still a little hung up on the one that got away, but I’m just trying to get back out there. You might have heard about him. Odysseus, a soldier back from war, but even my most enchanting lure couldn’t keep him. Other relationships I’ve had have always started out really strong—they tell me how in love with my music they are and how good the sound of my voice makes them feel. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to commit to any of them. They just don’t seem to breathe very well underwater. I just haven’t found the right one—yet.
Looking for an honest connection with someone who can really see me for who I truly am, which is either half-bird half-woman, or all mermaid depending on what ex of mine you ask, but there are relatively few of those around anymore—maybe they just should have been stronger swimmers.
Kraken
Age: 841 years old
Lives in: Norway
Seeking: The adventurous type, who can handle being pulled in a lot of different directions
A little about yourself: Sure, I’ve played a little hard to get before, but once you get to know me you’ll see I’m a sucker for attention. I may come off as shy at first, but all I really want is someone who I can wrap in all my arms and squeeze … until all of their worries melt away. Melville and Tennyson were flings, to name a couple, but to be honest they were kind of downers. Looking for a less gloom-and-doom type of person who enjoys a good tiki drink and isn’t afraid to settle down to the bottom of the ocean.
Cetus
Age: 2,783 years old
Lives in: Dardanelles Strait, Turkey
Seeking: Unconditional love, scuba enthusiast
A little bit about yourself: I’m tired of being the middleman. You know how people say, “Don’t shoot the messenger”? That really speaks to me. All because Poseidon got his tunic in a wad when someone told him his sea nymph companions weren’t as beautiful as the princess of Ethiopia. He’s a real moody guy and I’m just a sea serpent trying to live my life. You mighta heard how I went to Ethiopia to kill everyone because, ya know, ordered by a god or whatever. And to protect the kingdom, they sacrificed Princess Andromeda. What in the underworld kind of family moral is that? Maybe I have trust issues. Sue me. And while we’re at it, I also struggle to hold eye contact because that jerk Perseus who came to the rescue was swinging around Medusa’s head trying to kill me. According to Homer and whatever he wrote in The Iliad, I should be solid stone at this point. But here I am just trying to find love. I might look like a basic behemoth, but cool enough to have my own constellation. Look I’m working through it, okay?
My home is underwater so unless you have a submarine or really good scuba gear, swipe left.
Hydra
Age: 2,710 years old
Lives in: Lerna, Underworld
Seeking: Warm-hearted type who isn’t afraid of a little acid spit
A little about yourself: I had a bit of a rough childhood, so couldn’t really figure out what I wanted in a partner until I was much older. My mother was pretty cold as she was half-woman half-snake, and I grew up scaring off my fair share of girls. Unfortunately poisonous acid-breath isn’t the freshest when you lean in at that special moment. But I’ve gotten all of that well under control after a couple years with a good dentist and an even better therapist. I’m ready to speak my truth. An ideal partner would be flexible with my schedule as a I tend to wear many hats and have a lot of responsibilities.
One non-negotiable item: No demigods. None at all. And I know a lot of people are under the misconception that Hercules is some type of hero, but I actually have an active restraining order against that man and, if this wasn’t clear the first time, I am strongly anti-demigod. However I am fairly open-minded when it comes to all other topics of conversation, and can usually keep my head on during discussions.
Scylla
Age: 2,721 years old
Lives in: Strait of Messina, Italy
Seeking: The non-jealous type, beach lover, dog whisperer
A little bit about yourself: Looks aren’t everything. And not to name names, but if it weren’t for Circe, I might be a bit more your type. Just ask Homer. He described quite nicely how fine I was before someone interrupted my self-care routine, dooming me with scaly skin for eternity because they simply aren’t lovable. So a big swipe left on Circe. I’m done with guys with love potions, and need someone who can look beyond my six heads and into my heart. Must love dogs (my waist is lined with them) and be an avid swimmer (my bestie, Charydbis, is a literal whirlpool). Pros: I live in an Italian waterfront cave and love long walks on the beach. P.S. If you hear anyone say I eat sailors, they’re lying.
Charybdis
Age: 2,721 years old
Lives in: Strait of Messina, Italy
Seeking: Foodie, water lover, someone who doesn’t get motion sickness
A little about yourself: Listen, every family has its issues. But my uncle Zeus thought it would be fair to chain me to the ocean floor. All I really did was help my dad, Poseidon, submerge a few of Mr. Lightning Bolt’s islands. Like he didn’t already have plenty. And as if that wasn’t enough, he also turned me into an unlovable beast of the seas. But you know what they say, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. I love to eat, or as that rather wordy guy Homer described me in that really long poem he wrote: I’m voracious. And now, thanks to my dear uncle, I have an insatiable thirst for sea water.
If you get dizzy or seasick, this is not going to work. When I take a couple sips of water, I turn into a seething and all-consuming whirlpool. Not my fault though if a ship sails into me. Don’t they have compasses?
Don’t know where I would be without my partner in crime, Scylla, who lives across the strait. But FYI, if you mess with one of us, you get the wrath of both.
