The tried-and-true bar joke is a staple of humor, albeit a bit dated or “dad joke-ish” at this point. Nevertheless, you’d be hard-pressed to go your whole life without hearing “A man walks into a bar…” at least once. Here’s a few that’re worth raising a glass to.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces, “This is an amazing octopus. I’ll bet anyone in this bar that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it.”
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started wailing away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Dizzy Gillespie. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
“Can’t you play the bagpipes?” asked the man. “Play it?” said the octopus, “I’m gonna f_ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, “You’re all assholes,” and pours two beers.
Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, “What can I serve you gentlemen?”
One of them says to the barkeep, “I’ll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye.”
The barkeep says, “I’ve had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I’ll take that bet.”
So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket.
The barkeep says, “Damn, you got me.”
He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, “Are you gentlemen ready for another?”
The same guy answers, “I’ll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear.”
The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy’s left ear, his right ear, and says, “There’s no way you’ve got an artificial ear. I’ll take that bet.”
The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth.
The barkeep says, “Damn, you got me again.”
He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, “I’ll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away.”
The barkeep says, “It’ll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can’t do it.”
He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.
The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar and the floor.
The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills with a smile on his face, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, “I just made $100, you just LOST $100, why are you smiling?”
The drunk says, “You see that guy over there I’ve been drinking with all this time?
I just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you’d wipe it up with a smile on your face.”
A nun walks into a bar and a drunk suddenly staggers right up and punches her, knocking the nun out cold. As the bouncers drag the drunk away, the drunk shouts at the nun, “Not so tough NOW, are ya, Batman?!”
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
A proton walks into a bar.
Barman: “We only sell to protons, are you sure you are a proton?” Proton: “Yes, I’m positive”