Meet At Moe’s

Morris “Moe” Szyslak is a humble entrepreneur. The gentleman owns Moe’s Bagels in Colorado and Moe’s Express in the Food Court area of the Springfield Mall but his apparent love is held at a little establishment currently called Moe’s Tavern or as many of his regular patrons refer to it is simply “Moe’s.”

Moe’s is a dusty little gem with a hint of “tinkle” smell that welcomes you when you enter. This would need to be coming from the Men’s Restroom as apparently there has not been a woman who has visited the bar since 1979, according to Mr. Szyslak who currently uses the women’s restroom as his office. His bar features a few rarely used pool tables, a dartboard, the occasional rat, a remarkable accurate love tester machine, a bull-riding machine, a racing washing and dryer, a cigarette vending machine, a jukebox. And a jar of pickled eggs that perpetually sits on the bar counter. Like most long-standing dive bars, Moe’s is a stable in the community and has had its fair share of ups and down. For example, when not operating as one of the only drinking establishments in Springfield it has been known to dabble in other questionable operations. Among these are: smuggling pandas, kidnapping Shamu from Seaworld, and running a Deer Hunter-style Russian Roulette game.

It has been said that no other drinks besides Duff beer were poured there for 10 years in a row one time.

This quaint dive bar is tucked off the street in a normal American town serving mainly Duff beer. It has been said that no other drinks besides Duff beer were poured there for 10 years in a row one time. His customer base consists of only six loyal gentlemen. Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, Sam and Larry. Although other individuals have visited including but not limited to: Marge Simpson, Aerosmith, Stephen Hawking, U2, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jay Leno, Wade Boggs, Johnny Carson, and Fat Tony.

If you are planning on making a visit to Moe’s it would be good to know that the doors stay open every day of the week except Wednesday, because it is on this day that he goes to the local homeless shelter to read to the people there, or to the hospital to read to sick kids. It would also be good to know a little more history on an establishment where everybody knows your name, and by everybody, we mean all six guys. Well, maybe except for Barney. That guy will probably forget your name pretty fast. So, five guys. A place where five guys know your name.

The Flaming Homer

There was a time when Moe’s ran into a little bit of a cash flow issue and fell behind on their beer distributor payments. After it was discussed that Barney, one of the regulars, cut up his gums pretty good sucking the last tap dry of Duff beer and that Moe did not know how to make any other drinks, one of the other six regular’s, Homer, decided to explain to Moe, who was bartending at the time, that he recently ran into a similar situation of being out of beer at home and created a special concoction that was tasty enough to suffice. Here is that tale and the recipe for his creation, The Flaming Homer.

I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle. In my haste, I had grabbed a bottle of the kids’ cough syrup.

He blends up the mix and says, “It passed the first test: I didn’t go blind.”

Homer joins the family on the couch and his sister-in-law Patty’s cigarette drops into his glass, igniting it in flames that reached the ceiling.

After his next sip Homer says, “I don’t know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good.”

  • 1 ounce brandy
  • 1 ounce peppermint schnapps
  • 1 ounce sloe gin
  • 1 ounce blackberry liqueur
  • 1 ounce strawberry juice
  • Cough syrup (or high proof rum)

The Flaming Homer was quickly changed to The Flaming Moe after Moe stole Homer’s recipe, seeing that the drink was going to become massively popular, and then changed the name of his establishment to Flaming Moe’s. The rise to riches was short lived for Moe when a disgruntled Homer appeared at the renamed bar that was sporting a crowded dance floor filled with celebrities, and reveal the secret ingredient, ultimately causing Flaming Moe’s to go bankrupt and forcing it back to its original name, Moe’s where Homer and Moe made up no worse for wear.

Side note for the recipe: Let’s just remember that  “The Simpsons” is a cartoon. As any fan knows, Krusty’s products were not always the safest either. Cough syrups in the real world do not have enough alcohol to catch on fire. NyQuil Liquid has just 10% alcohol and that’s one of the strongest available. If you have ever made a flaming drink, then you know that we usually use a 151-proof rum to top it off. That is 75.5% alcohol by volume and a big difference from the likes of NyQuil.

While Flaming Moe’s was short-lived it was by no means a one-off fluke that Moe Szyslak, being the entrepreneur that he is, would go after chasing an idea that might mean changing the name of his establishment to find wealth. Here are a few of the others

  • Mo’s (Gay Bar version)
  • Moe’s Cavern
  • Flaming Moe’s
  • Uncle Moe’s Family Feed-Bag
  • The Nag and Weasel
  • Wisky a Moe-Moe (A dream Moe painted) Parody of Whisky a go-go in LA
  • Tokyo Roe’s Sushi Bar
  • M (restaurant inspired by a college professor.)
  • Meaux’s
  • Moe’s Pet Shop (front for bootlegging operations)
  • Moe’s ice cream carnival

How to Properly Call Your Local Dive Bar

By Bart Simpson

Moe: Yeah, Moe’s Tavern, Moe speaking.

Bart: Is Jacques there?

Moe: Who?

Bart: Jacques. Last name: Strap.

Moe: Uh, hold on. [to bar patrons] Uh, Jacques Strap? Hey guys, I’m looking for a Jacques Strap. [bar patrons laugh] What? [to phone] Oh, wait a minute, Jacques Stra— It’s you, isn’t it, you cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I will gut you like a fish and drink your blood, you cowardly little runt! [hangs up as Bart laughs in front of Lisa trying to cheer her u

Moe: Hello, Moe’s Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.

Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.

Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butz! [the entire bar laughs; realizes] Wait a minute… Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I’m gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!

Moe: Moe’s Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.

Bart: Uh, yeah, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.

Moe: Hold on, I’ll check. [calls] Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?! [snickers from the patrons] [to phone] Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I’m going to catch you, and I’m going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!

Moe: [answers the phone] Flaming Moe’s.

Bart: Uh, yes, I’m looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh.

Moe: Uh, hold on, I’ll check. [calls out] Hugh Jass! Can somebody check the men’s room for a Hugh Jass?!

Man: Uh, I’m Hugh Jass.

Moe: Telephone. [hands Hugh the receiver]

Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.

Bart: [surprised] Uh… Hi.

Hugh: Who’s this?

Bart: Bart Simpson.

Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?

Bart: Uh… Look, I’ll level with you, Mister. This is a prank call that sort of backfired, and I’d like to bail out right now.

Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up and breathes a sigh] What a nice young man.

Moe: Moe’s Tavern.

Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?

Moe: Who?

Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.

Moe: Hold on, I’ll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I. P. Freely! [the customers’ laugh] Wait a minute… Listen to me, you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you’re dead. I swear I’m gonna slice your heart in half!

Homer: You’ll get that punk someday, Moe.

Moe: I don’t know. He’s tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

All photos, artwork and illustrations by Matt Groening and The Simpsons.