It’s The Little Things (That Go Wrong)
I’m not sure why I couldn’t scan my metro card correctly, even once, while I was away, but it probably speaks to my skills with the office printer as well.
I should start by clarifying that this is not my first time traveling. In fact, I have seen many, many eyes roll when I mention experiences abroad. “Oh, you’ve not been to Prague? You simply must go.” This time was not my best work as a traveler, probably not by half. What follows is a compilation of some pretty dumb shit and things you can do to avoid doing said dumb shit.
When in Belgium
Brussels, Belgium
The city center of Brussels, a genuinely brilliant part of the world where they speak a beautiful amalgam of French, German and Dutch all while shining a little light on the inspiration behind René Magritte’s masterpieces.
There is a realistic possibility she may grab you by the arm as you’re leaving and whisper something like, “Va te faire foutre.”
Bad Traveler: If there is a woman in the bathroom with a little silver plate and a stern expression, that means you’re supposed to tip her. Not just because it’s the nice thing to do, but because if you don’t, there is a realistic possibility that she may grab you by the arm as you’re leaving and whisper something like, “Va te faire foutre.” Which, don’t get me wrong, sounds beautiful–however, it’s probably not the nicest thing you’ll hear all day.
Avoid by: Not going to the bathroom
To execute the gesture, make a fist with the right hand, and extend the arm out straight, parallel to the ground, fingers up. With the left hand open, slap the right bicep just above the elbow while raising the right forearm.
Madrid, Spain
It counts if you leave the airport. Layovers can be arduous, and eating makes them better. Escaping from the airport to have a long lunch in Spain was a beautiful idea and was initially validated when I climbed into the Uber and saw an orange-brushed, mountainous landscape that would make you wonder what the big deal about Barcelona is. Vicky? Christina? Any insight?
Make sure your Spanish is pretty good, like so good that it’s actually Castilian.
Bad Traveler: Most places in Spain don’t open until around 13:00, for good reason because beautiful nights don’t end with getting up at 9 for work. So here’s the thing, make sure your Spanish is pretty good, like so good that it’s actually Castilian because if you want to eat what you want, you’re going to have to tell them what that is. Or, you can be like this flamenco dancer and think you’re ordering two sandwiches for you and your best friend but end up with three different kinds of toast—just toast. And then you’ll understand why the server, in English, said: “That a lot of bread.” Fair enough.
Avoid by: Staying at the airport, why are you trying to fit in an entire country in 6 hours?
Actually, Bern, because #badtraveler.
Zurich, Switzerland
Switzerland is a safe place, like a really safe place to travel. I’m not saying bad things don’t ever happen here, but what I am saying is that people fill up their water bottles with fountain water, not at water fountains, but historic fixed fountains. There are also bomb shelters that can fit millions of citizens in case of what they refer to as “fallout.” Yeah, your uncle isn’t crazy if the Swiss are doing it.
Then, because you’re an adult, you would, out loud, say, “Oh no, that sounds scary.”
Bad Traveler: Another great thing about Switzerland is that a lot of things are automated, including hotels. So I saddle up to the hotel thinking I’m going to have pretend to be a normal person and, how lucky, I don’t have to talk to anyone. I type in all my credentials including passport number, because I’m foreign, and the machine spits out my room key, einfach!
Now if this were happening to you, as soon as you got to your room, you’d hear a swift knock on the door with an accompanying, “Housekeeping!”
You’d start by saying “ Oh no, we just got here. We don’t need it.”
And they would follow up with “Oh, but I have a surprise for you.”
Then, because you’re an adult, you would, out loud, say, “Oh no, that sounds scary.”
But don’t worry because, then they’d hit you with, “It’s Switzerland, It’s fine.”
You would shrug and think, “Yeah” and open the door.
Where you would find the LONE hotel employee holding your passport because you dropped it on the street. Switzerland.
Avoid by: Paying the fuck attention.
…But also the first thing.
Amsterdam, Netherlands
I saved Amsterdam for last, and this was done intentionally so that I couldn’t spend the no-money I had left. But don’t worry, I did have 2 euro and, as it turns out, that’s all you need. Amsterdam is depicted as this Bacchanal of any indulgence you can conjure, but actually, the city is a beautiful place with a rich history and some of the best street food out there…but also the first thing.
The premise here is that you go into a room with windows, put in your euro and you see ~something~…
Bad Traveler: Listen, I try to pretend not to be naive, but thems the brakes. For 2 euro on a Saturday night, you too could get called “Chiquita banana” on your way into an establishment called Peep Show.
My best girlfriend and I were told by a friend that the premise here is that you go into a room with windows, put in your euro and you see ~something~. Here’s where it gets tricky– it can be anything. And so we did. But, this is a familyish site folks, so thems also the brakes.
Avoid by: Don’t.Do.This.
You don’t want to know what’s behind Door No. 1.
