Tired of the present day but don’t want to relive the past? The solution is simple: Time Travel. In fact, traveling into the future is easier than you think. Anyone with a smartphone can do it in just five easy steps.
1. Download the Montauk Project App (Coming Soon)
With the Montauk Project time traveling app, you convert an iCloud into an actual cloud. This physical travel cloud is made up of binary code based on your standard flux capacitor algorithm, allowing you to upload yourself directly to the cloud. Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.
Just install the app, open it and create your profile. Then select the year you wish to visit and you’re off. For $.99, you can purchase a pro version of Montauk Project App that gives you full access to major historical times, like the Jesus years. The pro version also allows you to clone humans, gives you mental telepathy, reminds you about birthdays, etc.
2. Pack a Bag for the Future
Be sure to plan ahead and pack your bag the night before. When you wake up in the future, the last thing you want to do is question whether you packed enough underwear (side note: in the future, everyone goes commando.)
Before going to sleep, attach your bag to your leg to ensure it travels with you. And just like the airport, you can’t take any bottles with more than three ounces of liquid. No guns or knives. Empty all your pockets. Take off your shoes. Put your laptop in a separate bin. Don’t let anyone pack your bags for you. And report anything suspicious, like 4-oz bottles of liquid.
Sleep tight, because the next time you wake up, it’ll be the future. It’s best to drink 8 oz. of water for every future year you plan on skipping. After all, traveling in times takes a while and can leave you parched. It’s also a great idea to eat several large meals the night before. Most people typically burn anywhere from 100,000-150,000 calories while traveling through time, so carb up.
3. Upload Yourself to the Cloud
Once the upload process has begun, do not hit “cancel.” It takes a while for the upload process to work, so be patient. Many time travelers stop the upload before it’s complete, which can result in what’s known as the “spinning time-traveling wheel of death.”
The actual upload process breaks down your DNA into 0s and 1s, causing your body to crystallize and disappear. Side effects may include headaches, nosebleed, stomach cramps, crystallized diarrhea, loss of appetite and vision, stuttering, impotence, pancake face and/or nothing at all.
Once you’ve arrived in the future, you’ll want to be sure the upload worked and the year is correct. Look for a newspaper in a trash can to confirm the date.
4. Defeat the Triple-Headed Trumpasaurus
Long story short, there’s now a Triple-Headed Trumpasaurus that roams the country devouring citizens, drinking our oil reserves, building walls around everything and breathing fiery insanity. Before returning to present day, you must defeat him. Godspeed.
5. Return to the Current Year
Here’s the most important thing about time travel. You have 30 days to return or you screw up the future for everyone. Plus, you can only travel back to the year you left. So, just like at the mall where you write down your parking level, be sure to write down what the year was when you left. Otherwise, you;re going to end u in a completely different year, looking for your life and arguing to yourself about where you left it. “I know I left it here. Remember? I said, ‘we’re under this big light by the elevator!'”
Safe time travels, my friends. See you in the future.
Created by Phil Davies & Taylor Harkey for Whalebone’s sixth issue, the Travel Issue.