How to open a bottle of wine in a bind
Illustrations by Alex Balosie
If you’ve ever gotten to a hotel room that you’re sharing with, let’s say eight of your closest friends and two double beds, then you might have experienced the surprising panic that sets in once you’ve returned to said hotel room after a night out and would like to consume one more probably-not-necessary bottle of wine—only to find that you have nothing to use to open it. No wine key, no twisty wine opener, no fancy electric bottle opener your mom got you for Christmas but you never opened it because it’s actually slower than just doing it manually—not a single thing to help get that very necessary last bottle of wine open. As is standard we’re happy to help you out with a few alternative methods we’ve learned from perhaps opening a few not-at-all-unnecessary-late-night bottles. Also as is standard, we highly recommend not exercising any of these methods as they seem dangerous.
So definitely don’t try these at home.
What you’ll need:
- A sturdy shoe, like maybe your Vans or Doc Martens
- A wall
How to:
However you want to get the foil off is up to you, but take it off. And don’t use your teeth. Next, place the bottom of the bottle of wine inside the shoe. Hold the bottle firmly in one hand and the tip of the shoe firmly in the other. And then bang the bottom of the shoe against the wall. Try not to be shy about it because you’ll need the force to get the cork out, but you’re definitely not on your first drink so the determination is probably already there.
What you’ll need:
- A lighter
How to:
Again, get that foil off. Is one of your eight friends into the jazz cabbage? If so, grab their lighter. Next, flame on, and keep flame on the cork section of the bottleneck. Wait at least one minute and the cork should pop out. Science!
What you’ll need:
- A key, house key or car key
- A shirt or small towel
How to:
You remember about the foil this time? Alright, so take your key (the more ridges the better) and shove it into the cork at an angle, so the key is tilted toward you. Then grab a towel or shirt and use to protect your hand from the top of the key. Once hand is safe, slowly press and rotate the key once. When the seal is broken rotate the key again and again pulling slightly upward every time and BOOM, the cork is out or broken in half—depends if you did it right.
What you’ll need:
- Sheer force of will
How to:
This will feel exactly like when you’re supposed to pull a door open but you just keep pushing instead. After all, those signs are just suggestions, not the law. So. You’re gonna be pushing in the cork, we’re done with pulling. If you have some type of blunt-ended and sturdy object around, that’s going to help. If it breaks, it breaks—we’ve already come this far.
What you’ll need:
- The ability to see through space and time
How to:
Concentrate. Sure your psychic abilities are new but if you just remember what the professor said, you can do this. Concentrate, harness the energy and don’t get distracted. Visualize the cork leaving the bottle, hear the sound of it popping open. The strength was always inside you.
