Better Astrological Signs

You don’t need two horns to say what you can with one.

Whatever you thought your sign was, you’re wrong.

Your horoscope might mean a lot to you, or it might mean nothing at all. But whatever that meaning is, we’re here to tell you that it’s wrong. The newly opened Whalebone Astrology Department turned its attention to the stars and, as it turns out, your sign isn’t what you think it is (again). Your traits may stay loosely the same but your sign is getting a starry-eyed makeover with some newly discovered constellations.


(previously Aquarius)

January 20–February 18

Seems to us that there might be two sides to you, some days you’re painfully shy and others you’re eccentric and bring the life to your friend group. Some might call this manic, we call it a mood swing. Maybe you’re the Edward Norton/Brad Pitt combo of your friends…the good kind of crazy. You need to get away from your peers to recharge from time to time but you come back all sparkly and new when you do. We suggest hiding in the woods.

Loch Ness Monster

(previously Pisces)

February 19–March 20

Fish don’t like being alone, that’s why they swim in schools. Turns out you’re much more solitary than that, but you still like swimming. You’re quite friendly and very gentle but get most of your energy from being on your own. Intuition about others is your greatest asset. Also, you may not photograph well.


(previously Aries)

March 21–April 19

Might not be as cute as a ram, but hey we don’t make the rules.* You’re full of energy with a very playful nature, but sometimes you can be a little too mischievous and that can get you into trouble. The good news is you’re a natural leader, meaning you can’t get in trouble if you’re the boss, right? Continue to pursue any and all things that bring you happiness but maybe ease up on the flirting.


(previously Taurus)

April 20–May 20

Okay calm down, it’s not as bad as it sounds, you’re just a little possessive okay? And a little stubborn. Look, it’s not all bad. At least you aren’t a dumpy Ford sedan anymore. You’re extremely practical and are great with your hands (maybe take up gardening in your spare time). The positive side of being stubborn is that you’re extremely devoted at work and at home. You don’t like insecurity, but try not to eat the hearts of those who are.


(previously Gemini)

May 21–June 20

Turns out it’s not just the two personalities. There just isn’t enough time in the day for all of you to get out, but you do sometimes…maybe shy away from that. The good thing is your many personalities help you find a friend in pretty much everyone you meet, like a social butterfly, but with like 24 heads. And hey, you’re a water sign now.


(previously Cancer)

June 21–July 22

Alright, you’re getting a huge upgrade here. A crab, really? Called cancer? Anyway, You’re wary of strangers but are a true friend once you get to know someone. Your empathy is still your greatest attribute, but now you get a sea spear. It’s no surprise that your sign represents your love of water and being near it calms your nervous nature considerably. Maybe take up scuba.


(previously Leo)

July 23–August 22

While still one of the noblest of the signs of the 12, the Griffin also signifies a slight increase in the need for attention. With an eagle’s head and a lion’s body, it makes sense that you would be a little theatrical. But your noble ways make you an excellent leader and problem solver. Continue your virtuous path and look for casting calls in your local theater group—totally not weird.


(previously Virgo)

August 23–September 22

The stars must have decided you weren’t fooling anyone. We’re guessing you might not be quite as shy as the Virgo sign may have led you to believe. No judgment.  The good news is your love of books, nature and self-care still make you more than a great catch. Try not to be overly critical of yourself and continue to fight the good fight of luring “the man” to their death.


(previously Libra)

September 23–October 22

Your search for justice and equality is now on full display. You know your right and wrong just as well as you know your left from your right. Your moral compass is definitely your best asset. Careful not to alienate those with small character flaws, or spear them. Who needs Thor?


(previously Scorpio)

October 23–November 21

You may err on the side of stubborn, but that’s no reason to go around turning people to stone. Your terrible uncle may never change his horrible beliefs, and that’s gonna have to be okay. As a disciple of the truth, you live your life honestly and expect that of others, but not everyone is as honest as you are…so don’t go looking through anyone’s phone.


(previously Sagittarius)

November 22–December 21

The true extrovert. It’s hard for people to stay away from you, even if you want them to. Your energetic and infectious personality makes you successful in work and in love. On the plus side, you accept change without hesitation and can transition in the blink of an eye, but you have been accused of being a bit hot-tempered. You’ve got a real tendency to try to make everybody happy. Just don’t let it get you all fired up.


(previously Capricorn)

December 22–January 19

You just be happy you’re not a goat anymore. You are a rare find. Well-rounded and loyal, but your work ethic is really what shines. What makes not-goats even more unique is that you’re able to balance your career and your family time with ease. However, you can be incredibly standoffish with people you don’t know very well, try to relax a little and deviate off-course every now and again (those people who say they are looking for you, aren’t). Your new mantra is you don’t need two horns for what you can do with one.