The Whalebone Times Crossword Answers
ACROSS
DOWN
1 Windows-____________. Microsoft’s last real update. The only thing slower than the download is the software itself. NINETYEIGHT
4 Rise of the __________, the ride with the longest wait time in Disney World. Patience, young Padawan. RESISTANCE
7 Garold “Gary” Wilson, Jr. of Bikini Bottom. Meow. SNAIL
13 Our boy, Jonathan. TORTOISE
14 Archaic form of the modern-day Internet. See fossil record. DIALUP
15 Nothing screams family fun like three hours of recklessly purchasing property, forcing your siblings into bankruptcy and getting out of jail free. In the corner, Aunt Karen. MONOPOLY
17 Japanese runner Shizo Kanakuri took 54 years 246 days 5 hours 32 minutes 20.3 seconds to complete one of these. Arguably slower than 21-across. MARATHON
19 Physical exercise scientifically proven to slow down time according to classified data retrieved by the Whalebone Research Department. PLANK
21 “Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, ‘Mmmm, I smell sausage!’ Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, ‘Mmmm, I smell pancakes!’ Baby mole poked his head out the window and said ‘Mmmm, I smell ______!’” You’re welcome. MOLASSES
22 You’re pretty much guaranteed to wait in line here for five hours only to be told by a government employee that you’re missing the 18 required forms of identification, DNA evidence you aren’t a robot—signed and approved by the president himself—and an original copy of the Declaration of Independence. DMV
23 2001: A Space _______. Opens with 20 or so hysterical man-apes gallivanting around a large monolith. Proof that 10 minutes really is a lifetime. ODYSSEY
26 A different type of the thing you’re trying to complete at this very moment. Edges first, folks. JIGSAW
27 Inch ______. You give ‘em an inch and they take … an inch. WORMS
28 Sport of drowning worms. FISHING
29 Marine mammal with the slowest heart rate (four to eight beats per minute). Talk about some slow breathing. BLUEWHALE
2 College ceremony that somehow feels longer than the four years it took to get the degree. GRADUATION
3 The Peruvian wave that keeps on breaking. Looks a little like the word jicama if that helps or something. CHICAMA
5 7-Across’s ugly cousin. SLUG
6 With 22-down, The final installment of undoubtedly one of the best animated films of all time featuring a 24-down. Also why Europe is not, indeed, a hop, skip and a jump away. CONTINENTAL
8 What’s left of the large ice sheets that once covered Earth 10,000 years ago during the Ice Age. GLACIERS
9 “Cooks all day while the cook’s away.” CROCKPOT
10 America’s slowest fast food joint. Back to work, Grimace. MCDONALDS
11 Not a car horn for miles during rush hour in these parts. Just happiness and Hygge. DENMARK
12 Or The Matrix Effect, a special effect used in the 1999 cyberpunk cult-classic to make Keanu Reeves look like a slomo, bullet-dodging badass. Not that he couldn’t do all of it on his own of course. BULLETTIME
16 Like watching _____ dry. PAINT
18 “Only two things are certain in life, death and _____.” TAXES
20 Guitar Hero anthem by Foghat. Take it easy. SLOWRIDE
22 With 6-down. DRIFT
24 Two- or three-toed. Slow as shit either way. SLOTH
25 Petrini, Founder of the slow food movement. Maybe don’t take this person on a lunch date to 10-down. CARLO