Words by Sean Patton | Doodles by Kiara A. Sanchez
Comedian Sean Patton improves the endings of your favorite movies
It’s likely you’ve heard at least once that Rose could definitely have made room for Jack on that huge floating door in Titanic—maybe she didn’t want to, who’s to say. Well, we got our comedian friend Sean Patton to tell us. With very little direction, we handed Sean a list of a few titles of some cinematic classics and asked him if he wouldn’t mind rewriting the endings in the way that only he can. Currently accepting future royalties for the reboots that these will ultimately become. Cue Sean.
E.T., Elliot and co. are being chased by the police on their bikes when E.T. telekinetically sends them flying away. They all keep pedaling through the sky, except Steve. He has a panic attack after suddenly being airborne, falls off his bike, and plummets to his demise. The locals now look at E.T. as a threat and demand the government do more. This is what the Feds have been waiting for. The Army launches missiles at E.T., Elliot and the gang. The explosions resemble fireworks on Independence Day. Gertie goes, “Is that Michael and Elliot and E.T.?” To which her mother Mary replies, “And that’s what they get for attacking America.” A celebration ensues right as E.T.’s alien ship returns and opens fire, triggering an intergalactic war.
Jack and Rose cling to the bow of RMS Titanic as it plunges perpendicular into the ocean. “The ship’s gonna suck us down with it,” Jack shouts over the screaming passengers. “Let it. We’ll be fine.” Rose is too terrified to speak, but trusts Jack. “We’re gonna make it, Rose. Trust me.” “I trust you, Jack,” she replies as they nosedive into the freezing Atlantic. After a few moments of panic and confusion, Rose feels Jack pulling her … deeper? And deeper. It isn’t the ship sucking them down, it’s Jack! She feels like her lungs are about to explode and she can’t fight it. The air rushes out and her lungs fill with salty ice water … and she is fine. Jack looks back at her. Is he breathing? He is! As is she. They have gills! “How?” she asks Jack, surprised by her voice underwater. “I’m a merman. And after our fling in the back of that Model T, you are now a mermaid. Let’s get outta here!” They swim away to Atlantis and open an art gallery, living happily among other merpeople. Until Darkseid shows up looking for the anti-life equation!
Forrest broke the world’s heart with one question: “Is he smart or is he…?” Turns out that not only is Forrest Jr. smart, but he can SEE DEAD PEOPLE. He routinely talks to Bubba, Momma and Jenny. All of whom give him advice on how to live life with a dad who makes up for what he lacks in IQ points in a way that gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Dumb fuckin’ luck.” They start a megachurch called “St. Jenny’s” and form a massive cult that lives off a steady diet of shrimp and chocolates, and everyone has to wear Nike Cortez running shoes.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Ferris and Sloane stare in disbelief as Cameron starts kicking his dad’s 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder. What none of the teens realize is that all that blunt kicking force switches the car from reverse to drive. The final kick knocks it off the mini ramps and the car zooms forward, running over Cameron and killing him instantly. Ferris and Sloane go on the run. They end up on Interpol’s most-wanted list. Sloane is apprehended in Buenos Aires posing as an English teacher. Ferris is found in a shanty in Indonesia, dead from the swine flu.
After the scene at Bridges Restaurant, Mr. Lundy has no choice but to file a restraining order against Daniel Hillard. And after the judge’s harsh sentence, Miranda and the kids want nothing to do with him. Daniel moves to the East Coast and becomes a stalwart in the NYC drag scene. After winning season one of RuPaul’s Drag Race, he reconciles with his kids and remarries Miranda, whose relationship with Stu went belly up after she caught him in bed with another man … dressed like a woman.
The Truman Show
“And in case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night.” As Truman Burbank exits the set, millions of people around the world experience a mass psychotic event. With the planet’s favorite reality TV show done, the reality that they have ignored suddenly feels too heavy to bear, and an all-out fight for survival ensues. Governments collapse, societies crumble, and blood cults do battle over clean water and fresh flesh. It’s chaos. “Real barbarians use Barker Blade Machetes—they stay sharp even after hacking through the bone,” says a father to his young son as they finish quartering a few humans for dinner.
Pan back to reveal executive producer Chester Yoinkman in a production booth, ordering a slow camera zoom in on the product placement. Turns out this too is a reality show, all happening inside a larger dome and being watched by billions in the real world outside … or is it??