Ah, Halloween. One of the best holidays to celebrate if you come prepared. Of course, most of us don’t come prepared. Not because we don’t want to slide into to the office party or late night function with a respectable, possibly applause-garnering Halloween costume, but because we’ve been buried in work (or life) and when the final week of October sneaks up, our last minute creative juices shit the bed.
In an effort to curb the chance of you falling victim to this dark reality, our Department of Terribly Okay Halloween Costumes has assembled a little list of 2016-relevant costume ideas and/or advice for you to try on this 31st.
Red Hot Chili Pepper
Not a big fan of Halloween, tbh. The funny costumes are always great for a laugh, but the “sexy” theme for us ladies is honestly so cringe-worthy it hurts. This year, the only reason I’m excited and actually dressing up, is because I’m going to a Red Hot Chili Pepper show in LA, which is Halloween themed. My friend and I will obviously be dressing as red hot chili peppers. Oh yeah, advice: find a good Halloween Party with an epic DJ, or a concert to attend, wear something über comfortable, shake ya ass, watch ya’self.
— Lyndsey Corin, Sales Director, National
Well Known Rapper
I’m with Lyndsey. Don’t be sexy on Halloween. You’ll have way more fun making people laugh. This year I plan to continue my four year streak of being a well known rapper. My rap sheet includes Jay Z, Kanye West, Pharrell and Mr. Hotline Bling himself.
I don’t recommend gathering your Halloween costume last minute. Good ones take weeks—you have to gather all of your props, practice dance moves and accents, and grow out that facial hair (if applicable). Going all out is the best way to ensure that you’ll rage, but pace yourself. You get to be someone you’re not—it’s the best day of the year.
— Alyssa Eurell, Sales Executive
Superior Forms of Ken Bone
Red IZOD sweater. Black, rectangularly-framed reading spectacles. A frugal-appearing mustache. These are the elements of a good Ken Bone. But there is sure to be at least one other good Ken Bone at the party this year, and if he get’s there before you, you’re toast. I’m not gonna let that happen to you doe. Check it:
- Sexy Ken Bone
- Purchase red IZOD sweater one size too small. Grow/trim/sharpie mustache to a adult actor goatee. Be openly seductive but keep your body language contrastingly timid. Hah.
- KenBone Slice
- A fighter version of Ken Bone that wears a black muscle suit (they don’t make these so you need to buy a regular muscle suit and black spray paint [not that expensive]). Aggressively question party-goers about their energy policies. Keep fists clenched and teeth gritty at all times.
- Obi Wan KenBoni
- Turn in that red IZOD sweater for a super soft, super silky velvet red Playboy Mansion robe. Get you a lightsaber—I think Obi Wan’s was blue. Don’t get the one from Walmart, they underperform in every aspect.
These are just a small fraction of the alternative Ken Bone costumes that exist on Earth. Get crafty and come correct with something fresh. Big shouts to my guy Ken.
— Michael Kilcullen, Associate Editor
Florida Gator Fan
I’m originally from Jacksonville, FL—where they host the world’s largest outdoor cocktail party (AKA the Florida/Georgia game). It always lands on or just before Halloween, basically nullifying the holiday. So I dress like a Florida fan. Jean shorts, a mullet, and perhaps a tie. Followed by a mild state of depression due to a combination of a stadium that reeks of warm whiskey, too much candy, and realizing that I care way too much about what 19 year olds do on a football field.
— Bronson Lamb, Managing Director
It’s all about the kids. If you haven’t been able to obtain a child of your own by this point feel free to send this one to your friends or family with little ones. Disclaimer: I would advise strongly against trying to find a random kid to wear this costume last minute and approaching them with balloons. Here’s what you’ll need: plastic tub piping cut to the waist height of the child for a walker, four tennis balls, brown or khaki pants, grey cardigan sweater, white button up shirt, black bow tie, black frame glasses, string and 6 or 70,012 helium filled balloons.
— Eddie Berrang, Publisher
Any SNL Character
— Mal Turner, Art Director
Welcome to Target!! Three people asked for help. #itslegit! #thosearepoisonous #targetlady #target #snl #halloween #kristinwiig @bridgetcummings thanks for being a great customer and shopping at Target!
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