A Guide To the Next Wave of Transportation
Traveling by air is for the birds. The skies will soon be littered with flying cars and spaceships and all types of George Jetson-type things. Real travelers know that zipping across the ocean like Capt. Nemo through The East Australian Current is the future and the future is underwater travel. To prepare the population for this next wave of transportation The Whalebone Department of Futuristic Shit (formerly the Whalebone Department of 2020 and beyond) has graciously prepared the following report of submersible vehicles, their benefits, and an overview on which vehicle might be best for you.
DISCLAIMER: Traveling underwater is cool but W.D.F.S. encourages you to always respect your surroundings and marine life at all costs. Leaving the ocean better than you found it is way cooler. Just keep swimming.
THE TRITON 3300/6
DESCRIPTION: The Chevy Suburban of submarines with just
a $4,000,000 price tag. Spacious, luxurious, and includes headlights, which are useful if you want to try to go to 3,000+ feet below sea level for as long as 10 hours in this rig. The Triton’s transparent acrylic bubble affords panoramic views of the surroundings. It is not known if this puppy can withstand attacks from giant squid but if you’re wealthy enough to afford a Triton personal submarine you probably own some sea monster that can fight a giant squid for you.
IDEAL FOR: People that just robbed a bank and/or anyone hankering to go massively into debt while you roll the dice on finding the Flor de la Mar sunken treasure off the coast of Sumatra
- Seats 6 comfortably
- 10 hours of dive time
- Depths up to 3,000 feet
- Joystick controls, so that’s neat
LENGTH: 13 feet | MAX SPEED: 3.4 MPH | PRICE: $4,000,000 US
THE NUCLEAR SUBMARINE
DESCRIPTION: Is world domination high on your list of goals in life? If so, a brand spanking new nuclear submarine will go perfectly with your hairless cat. The same submersible warship that the United States government uses to strike fear in the hearts of fleet captains around the world is also perfect for evil geniuses or anyone that would like to chase Sean Connery and the Red October across the Pacific. Complete with 147 Tomahawk missiles and the ability to initiate nuclear holocaust the world over in roughly 20 minutes. Bonus, comes with your own personal chef. Be the envy of every supervillain in the seven seas.
IDEAL FOR: Supervillains, disgruntled leaders of first world countries, and pretty much anyone that believes in chaos and mass destruction at all cost. Also, pirates.
- Onboard dry cleaners for eye patch and cape cleaning needs
- A shark tank and sharks with frickin laser beams on their heads
- Crew of 135 sailors
- Depth greater than 800 feet
- King size bed
- Bluetooth hands-free capabilities
- $2.6 billion nuclear-powered ship
LENGTH: 377 feet | MAX SPEED: 29 MPH | PRICE: $2,600,000 US
THE SMUGGLER’S SUBMARINE
DESCRIPTION: Cruising the ocean in style is not the biggest priority for this next submarine but what it lacks in beauty points it certainly makes up in efficiency… and the ability to reign supreme in return on investment. This submarine answers the age-old questions such as: “How can I stay one step ahead of the FBI, make an occasional trip down south, and hopefully not drown?” The smuggler’s submarine is perfect for anyone looking to meet up with Pablo and the gang in remote locations or use the vessel for the occasional recreational weekend with the family. Described by many as “extra cozy,” the smuggler sub is not recommended for anyone with a fear of being shot at or extreme claustrophobia.
IDEAL FOR: Anyone looking for a career change. Fluency in Spanish recommended but not required.
- Constructed of wood, fiberglass, or steel
- Holds 1 person uncomfortably
- Extra cargo space
- Innovative air quality design program
- Controlled by a diesel engine…sometimes manpower
- Sketchy but maybe can go down 30 feet
- Navigation by iPhone
- All sales are final
- Snitches get stitches
MAX SPEED: 7 MPH | PRICE: If we tell you, we have to kill you
THE SUBMARINE SCOOTER
DESCRIPTION: There are submarines then there are freaking scooter submarines. Are they practical for anything? Nope. And it doesn’t matter because you’re basically on an underwater moped, being awesome, smiling at fish and sharks who are saying, “Look at this thing on an underwater scooter smiling like a jellybean, that’s rather interesting.” The 12-volt battery power on this gift from King Triton to humans is nothing compared to your blood pumping at 7,000bpm as you soar past a stingray teaching school. Guaranteed good times unless a shark eats you.
IDEAL FOR: Anyone needing to find out that life is pretty cool at 5mph and/or anyone with a giant aquarium in their house.
- Electric, self-propelled engine
- Drinks with little straws in them available
- Holds 1 person
- Phone charger
- Saddlebags (aftermarket)
- Hawaiian shirt optional
- Battery life 6 hours
MAX SPEED: 5.6 MPH | PRICE: $17,000 US
DESCRIPTION: Arguably not a submarine but if you ever meet someone who owns one of these they will tell you it is a submarine. But it’s not a submarine. Also, the Seabreacher was not created by Kenny Powers, another unfortunate fact to discover, but for all of its shortcomings, the Seabreacher could very easily be the one “submarine” that unites the world. A two-seat, semi-submersible personal watercraft designed for folks who like jet skis but also like to party (so, people who like jet skis). The semi-sub can travel roughly five feet underwater for a duration of about 15 seconds before jetting back to the surface at speeds up to 50mph. Again, Kenny Powers is not behind this one, but it is available in multiple animal design prints nonetheless.
IDEAL FOR: Folks that recite lines from Talladega Nights on a regular basis.
- 230hp supercharged low emission engine
- Marine-grade stereo system and Bluetooth
- Custom paint job
- Fully customized upholstered interior
- Two-seat cockpit
- Snorkel mounted camera (live feed)
- VHF radio
MAX SPEED: 50 MPH | PRICE: $90,000 US
THE YELLOW SUBMARINE
DESCRIPTION: Not available in other colors but this classic is much more than meets the eye. A proper maritime vessel with room to bring all types of friends aboard. Complete with a captain named Fred (no one else is allowed to steer the ship apparently) who knows more about The Sea of Time, Science, Monsters, Holes, and Nothing than any Blue Meanie will ever reveal. Basically, if you’re on acid or thinking of doing acid or know what acid is and don’t mind the same song playing over and over again while you look for Lucy in the sky with diamonds this is a great option. And the band begins to play.
IDEAL FOR: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, hippies, and non-hippies.
- Powered by love and psychedelics
- Goes as deep as your mind will take you
- Enough room for all your friends
- Some of them live next door
- Near a sky of blue
- And sea of green
BUILT IN: 1966 | MAX SPEED: 9 MPH | PRICE: Whatever psychedelics go for these days