Do people still eat Sno-Caps?
These movies are so bad that they call into question the very meaning of badness and go all the way back to good again.
Movie: Drop Dead Gorgeous
Year: 1999
This black comedy is rich with thick Minnesotan accents that are somehow pleasant… ? Kirsti Alley is the mastermind showrunner behind the Mount Rose Miss Teen American Princess Pageant. But something is going on behind the scenes when contestants start getting picked off one by one. Are there some overt and very offensive flaws to this movie? Oh yes. But it is saved by Denise Richards being killed by a giant swan float, and Kirsten Dunst is a national treasure.
Bad Boys II
Year: 2003
If the Nelly-Diddy collab classic, ”Shake Your Tailfeather” wasn’t enough to pique your interests, well then what are you doing with your life? Murphy Lee ain’t love that. Fast forward 8 years from the first film and Detectives Marcus Burnett and Mike Lowrey are embarking on a brand new adventure that somehow includes a Haitian gang, Klan members and the Cuban military. Yeah, try and sort that out. Stay for Michael Bay’s action scenes—don’t for the super negative way women are portrayed.
Mortal Kombat
Year: 1995
There’s probably not one actor in this movie who still has a career. However, the fantasy world they have created is just enough to make you want to listen to how terrible the dialogue is and will make you ignore potentially the worst “effects” ever, even for the early ’90s. And the fight scenes. Those are glorious. Will Liu Knag avenge his brother? Will Johnny Cage and Sonya Blade FINALLY hold hands? We already know, but you should still watch the movie.
Face/Off
Year: 1997
Think Freaky Friday but, not, and worse. What is it about Nic Cage that makes us keep coming back for more? You might be surprised to know that this movie has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 92 percent, but don’t be fooled. We’re relatively certain that Nicholas Cage was just assuming the identity of all of those critics while they were rating this movie. John Travolta plays FBI agent Sean Archer, who decides the best way to get information about a plot is to switch fucking faces with terrorist, you guessed it, Nicholas Cage. Anyway, we think one of ’em dies.
I Know Who Killed Me
Year: 2007
We don’t know if Lyndsey Lohan did, in fact, take Adderall, or if kombucha really did set off her ankle monitor. But what we do know is that she made this movie for you, the fans. Think of it as the Parent Trap on ayahuasca. The poorly constructed plot is buried by the film noir 101 motifs that take you on a surprisingly satisfying journey about a kidnapped woman who was tortured and then turns up but has no memory of what happened to her and actually thinks she’s someone else. Her parents and detectives think she’s suffering from PTSD, but, as it turns out, it’s just Lyndsey Lohan playing her own twin again. Get a new shtick, Lynds.
Death Becomes Her
Year: 1992
This absolute gem has subsequently become an LGBTQ cult favorite. Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn play mortal enemies vying for the affection of the same man (which, because it is 1992, is Bruce Willis). In their competition, they decide they need to become younger looking and both end up drinking potions from a mysterious woman to keep them young. They end up violently deconstructing one another with shotguns, shovels and various other blunt objects. What the plot lacks in substance, it makes up for in Meryl Streep walking down the stairs with her head on backward. It’s a treat.
Van Helsing
Year: 2004
Hugh Jackman gets a crossbow and starts droppin’ vamps out of the sky. Objectively, this movie really is awful as far as the plot goes, but the visual effects are hard to look away from—and Dracula has three wives and is looking. Anyway, the vampires have an evil plot to take over… the world I guess? And the three wives lay a bunch of eggs that Van Helsing blows up like cantaloupes. You pair all this with Kate Beckinsale’s horrifying attempt at an Eastern European accent and a bottle of absinthe, and you’ve got yourself a Saturday night.
Earth Girls Are Easy
Year: 1988
Let’s say somebody came to you and said, “We want to make a movie that’s a parable for the perils of modern dating. We’ll do that whole men are from Mars, women are from Venus thing, or whatever, but basically literalize it with the titular Earth girls played by Geena Davis as a Valley Girl named Val and an MTV veejay as her hairstylist friend, and the men are from, oh shit, it doesn’t matter… But we’ve got Damon Wayans, Jim Carey and Jeff Goldblum as aliens who crash-land their spaceship in Val’s backyard in San Fernando Valley dressed like they are going to a furry convention for half the picture. It’s like Starman meets Splash meets Valley Girl meets The Fly.” Somehow this got greenlit, and we’re all the richer for it.
