Slick Rick’s Eloquent Etiquette: Spring Bring Edition

Dearly overworked and under-compensated…Yearning for a momentary lapse in societal minutia? Behold, for the vernal equinox approacheth. In the interest of your attention span, I’ll spare you the planetary and equatorial complexities that go into making spring #so #sprung and just cut to brass tax: Start boozing near a body of water, cuz Spring Break 2017 is officially underway.

Now, the MTV of our formative years would have us believe that spring break is a no-holds-barred, fortnight-long fiesta in Cancun, during which Pauly Shore and Carmen Electra demean the progress of humanity in ways that seem downright detestable come December…and that’s because it is. So let’s be clear, the only proper etiquette during spring break is the absence of any at all.

1. Enjoy Yoself—Issa Celebration

No one person, red-lettered sign, or possible food allergy is to come between you and acting outrageously. Authority figures and well-intentioned amigos be damned. Any interruption short of Donald Trump himself descending from Hair Force One and demanding that you “stop drinking diesel fuel from an inner-tube and dismount that manatee immediately!” is to be ignored. And even then…

2. Everything Is a Cup

S.B.E stature dictates that no alcohol is to be imbibed from its designated glassware. Enter this new twist on the childhood classic, “The floor is lava.” Anything with enough concave surface area or the ability to retain liquid is now your cup. Bonus points for creativity and lack of consideration for sanitation.

3. Garbage Garb

If you don’t look like you’ve dressed yourself out of the lost and found bin at a T.G.I.Friday’s in Panama City Beach…you’re doing it wrong. Acquire an XL Hawaiian shirt or an XS tank top that says something assertive and semi-juvenile. Top it all off with one of those straw hats that people seem to enjoy.

4. Age-Is-More Beauty

Most people would say that scantily clad outdoor benders are a young person’s game, and advise the over-35 crowd to cheer on from the bleachers. Most people would be wrong. That dancefloor divorcee with a tank-top tan stumbling through the cha cha slide? Send him back to suburbia with a spring break souvenir and a memory you’ll want to forget.

Do not let your woman anywhere near Tom Selleck when he’s dressed like this. Photo: Magnum PI

5. Sunshine State of Mind

Can’t make it out of the city for spring break? Or maybe you’re just more of a home-body, and a place renown for its annual NASCAR event isn’t exactly your cup of Uncle Mike’s Rock-hard Tea. No worries—there’s no need to leave home to take a break from the etiquette that comes with being a functional human. Throw a tanning bulb in the bathroom light, salt the rim of your bathroom tub, and peacefully soak in/drink from a porcelain margarita fit for Andre the Giant. I can assure you firsthand, está bien tranquilo.

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