Pizza Delivery Stories

Screenshot: Talladega Nights

The average pizza delivery person in the US makes roughly $22,770 a year. Taking into consideration they must provide their own transportation, the lack of benefits (maybe some free pizza, but probably not much else) and the inconsistency of tipping; it’s hard to say if they even break even at the end of the day. Tack on the fact that they are delivering to complete strangers homes and this job really gets interesting.

They do say that experience builds character, so the next time you meet a particularly interesting person feel free to ask them if they have ever delivered pizzas in their life, the answer is probably yes. The following are a few of the weird and wonderful pizza delivery stories from around the country.

1. Weirdness in Ohio

About ten years ago, I was delivering for Pizza Hut in Hartville, Ohio. I had an order of four large stuffed crust pizzas that I was delivering to a country ranch-style home atop a hill. While I had never delivered to this home before, I had no reason to suspect anything out of the ordinary. In fact, with the neatly manicured lawn and unassuming style of the home, I expected an older couple was having a family get-together.

I rang the doorbell. As the door opened, I was greeted by something completely unexpected—what I could only describe later as an orgy gone wrong or an adult game of truth-or-dare. Two scantily-clad older women met me. One was a petite 4’10” with dark curly hair wearing a fuzzy sweater, bunny ears and a black thong. The other was about 6’0″ and 350 lbs, with blond hair to the waist (think Honey Boo Boo in 40 years) wearing jeans and nothing else. Both women were in their late 40s to early 50s and were truly disgusting.

The larger woman proceeded to shake her upper-wares at me saying seductively, “Hey Big Boy,” while the other hopped over to me, turned around and wagged her cotton ball tail at me. Her top thong strap braced the money for the pizza, but it was mostly bare bottom. I diverted my eyes and said, “Four stuffed crusts?” The larger lady asked, “Did you make this? Because you can stuff my crust any day.” I reluctantly turned back and took the money from the thong. In retrospect, I should have just left.

I handed over the pizzas and walked away shaking my head. I never looked back, but over the roar of laughter I heard, “Come back soon.” I calmly counted the money in my hand and it was $40 for a $39.96 order. Over my shoulder, I quickly shot back, “Not with tips like this!” I hopped in my car, head down and drove away.

2. “He Doesn’t Bite” in Texas

Delivering pizzas in a quiet suburb north of Dallas, TX. Very wealthy neighborhood…arms full of delicious pizza and refreshing soft drinks, credit card receipt in hand. A knock at the door arouses the suspicion of one Bichon Frise, protector of this particular domicile. The door opens, the homeowner attempts to corral the raging beast within the confines to no avail. The fluffy, white hellhound lunges at my lower extremities and attaches itself to my shin.

Pain, confusion and shock coarse through my brain as I attempt to reassemble the course of events while trying not to drop the precious cargo. Should I kick the furry foe? Punch the poochie? Homeowner flashes a shade of embarrassment on her face as she detaches the jowls of said hellhound, blood beginning to tint my socks a perfect shade of agony. I receive a $10 ‘tip’ for my troubles and begin to stumble back to the car, running thousands of ‘what-if’ scenarios through my head.

3. Mama Said Knock You Out

I was working the 7 am to 3 pm shift and got a call out to a student house. It was a big order, about $80 bucks worth. There were no lights on at the house when I arrived, but I could hear the television/music whatever coming through the front windows. I stayed before finally, a guy in his late teens answered in only a pair of boxer shorts.

He was obviously pretty bombed. Working as a delivery driver for a year or so, I’ve seen it all, but the guy slurred that he didn’t usually answer the door in his boxers and asked if I could hang on while he grabbed his pants. I said no problem, and he told me to wait in the hall. He staggered off upstairs while I started unloading the delivery.

A few moments later I heard raised voices from upstairs. I wasn’t sure what to do, when the guy stumbled back down, still in his boxers, with his wallet. He drunkenly began counting out the money as he slurred something derogatory about women. A few seconds later a young Chinese woman stormed downstairs, and they continued to argue. Evidently, I had disturbed them in the middle of a hookup, and she was furious he had abandoned her to answer the door.

The guy started trying to get me on his side saying things like, “Don’t ever go there with a Chinese girl. All they do is complain,” and “What was I supposed to do?” As he was flexing his biceps, he also mentioned how lucky she was to get nailed by a guy like him. Meanwhile, the girl stormed out of the house, so I moved out of the way as the guy began shouting obscenities after her. He paid me and thanked me, but before I left the girl came running back up the porch and walloped the guy with a hard slap.

Drunk as he was, it knocked him out cold, as she stormed off again, not knowing she had just KO’d him.

I was actually quite surprised, as he was quite a well-built guy. I tried to bring him around, but he was out for the count. After about a minute he began to snore, so I rolled him into the recovery position and closed the door behind me. I’ve been back to that house once, but it was a different guy who answered. I’m assuming he was alright in the end.

4. Three’s Company

Back in college, I worked for Pizza Hut in Houston, TX. This store covered fourteen square blocks in a upper-middle class neighborhood. There was a middle-aged couple that I delivered to on my very first day, and they seemed to take a liking to me because they would request for me to deliver every time they ordered. Regular as clockwork, every Friday night, two large cheese and sausage pizzas.

The first four or five times after a delivery they would tip me at least the price of one pizza, then call the store and tell the manager how polite and on time I was. So, I really liked delivering to them.

One Friday night I went to make their typical delivery. When I rang the doorbell, the man called out that the door was open and to just come on in. This was unusual. I did as he said and when I entered, I saw them on the couch making love. I was instructed to leave the delivery on the table, and my tip was there also. I was shocked and made a hasty departure. Sure enough, when I got back, they had called and commented on how polite and on time I was.

The next delivery they met me at the door, and both were nude. They took the pizzas and gave me twice my usual tip and made another call to the store. This incident really knocked me over.

Next time when I rang the doorbell same as before, both nude. This time the woman reached out and grabbed me in my crouch and smiled. She said if I stayed for a bit they would triple my tip. I had no intentions of doing anything that I shouldn’t and let them know that. They wanted me to watch them have sex. So, going against my better judgment, I stayed and watched.

I delivered pizza to them for almost three years and got a good tip and a good show every time. They continued to call the store and tell the manager how polite and on time I was. As I think back on it, I kind of wish I was still delivering pizza.

5. Spidey Senses

I used to deliver pizza for a Pizza Hut in Louisville, Kentucky. One night I arrived at a house and rang the doorbell only to be greeted by…Spider Man? Yes, a grown man answered the door in a Spider Man outfit. He said, “Spider-sense tingling! The pizza’s here!” I gave the dude the pizza, to which he threw up the “metal” sign with his hand and said, “Have a SPIDEY day!” and shut the door.

I guess he must have been the real deal because he gave me a $4 tip. Thanks, Spidey!

6. Panago Bango

I was working for Panago Pizza in Prince George, BC and I had a delivery out to the middle of nowhere. So after driving for a good 25 minutes out of town and down some dirt roads, I arrived at a huge house. Now, I’m thinking to myself, this has got to be at least a $5 tip for my trouble, and these guys are obviously loaded. I had a pretty long week as it was and I was having some car trouble so I was trying to save all the money I could.

After being as polite as possible and using all the delivery driver tricks on how to get a better tip (talk to the kids, pet the dog, make jokes, etc.) the guy insisted on getting all of his change back which was a whopping 10 cents. Well, I just sucked it up, gave him his change and started to leave. Then his door opened suddenly, and there stood Mister cheapskate. He threw the 10 cents at me and told me to use it to buy coffee for myself. Well, I lost it. I picked it back up, threw it back at him, and said I would rather buy his wife for an hour. Then I got in my car and did a lawn job on his front lawn. To this day I still don’t regret doing that.

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