10 Unlikely Scenarios I Would Like to Find Myself in During 2017

“Man who catch fly with chopstick, accomplish anything.” - Mr. Miyagi. Screenshot: Karate Kid

The past twelve months have been less then great, and not because of the significantly concerning things that did happened, but perhaps because a few of the things we wanted to happen didn’t happen. Maybe you were looking to befriend a small animal but were unable to find one that would allow you to approach it. Perhaps you thought your local bodega was finally going to name your sandwich after you and instead they named it after a guy who has only been eating there for three months. The pitfalls of 2016 claimed many—but 2017 brings hope.

Here are a few low-probability scenarios and activities that I, and perhaps you (also low probability), would like to participate in during 2017. List ranked from “fairly unlikely” to “no chance in hell”.

1. Being upgraded to first class on a commercial airline. I’m 24 and not a salesman with 3.2 billion travel reward points, so I fly economy. I also always find myself in the final boarding group, which means I have to walk past all the smug motherfuckers in first class that have been seated comfortably since yesterday and are busy ordering a movie that comes out in 2018 for their flight. This year, I’m doing whatever it takes—sporting a three piece suit, donating blood, saying I was the seventh employee at Facebook—to get that upgrade. Whatever it takes. Besides paying for it.

2. Breaking down a door with my body. While most of my comrades in college were lighting couches on fire during parties and generally throwing every lease obligation and home appliance they had out the window, I never really had a “really just gotta break it” phase. But it’s found its way to me recently, and about twice a day I consider smashing perfectly good and functioning items. I saw a video of someone cannonballing into a bedroom door the other day, and it brought me great pleasure.

3. Befriending a small animal in my neighborhood. I played a game of golf over Thanksgiving break this past year and one of the grown men in our group had a legitimate relationship with two crows that live on the golf course. While we were starting off the round, this guy was 100 yards off the tee-box, chatting up two birds in a tree. To my bewilderment, both birds followed him from hole to hole for the remainder of the day. It was a thing of beauty. The birds here in the city aren’t super friendly so this will probably be a more accessible animal, like a street cat.

4. Having a sandwich named after me at the local bodega. For centuries, people have passed their entire life away only to have a block of cement with their name and expiration date planted six feet above their casket. I’m not going out like that. I’d prefer to have sandwich named after my individual and garnished with fried chicken, buffalo and ranch. This should be closer to the top of the list but I recently relocated and haven’t landed on a bodega worth pursuing this dream at, yet.

5. Taking karate lessons. Not Jiu Jitsu, not MMA. I’m talking pure, uncut karate. Pick up where I left off in first grade and finally get that yellow belt. Only kinda related, but you know what I would love to see? A graph that correlates people who have black belts and how much sexual intercourse they partake in each day.

6. Keeping a pair of white shoes clean for longer than four days. NYC is footwear mecca, and for better or worse, has become the white shoe capital of the world. It seems like people here place more focus on keeping their shoes white than they do their teeth. I’m not one of them, and not because I’m above it, but because I have zero fucking clue how to keep white shoes in presentable condition.

7. Waging a snowball fight against a member of law enforcement. Hopefully without being charged for assault with a deadly projectile.

8. Owning and maintaining a plant. I don’t actually want to do this but I put it on the list because I feel like it’s a step toward responsibility that I should be taking at this point in my life. But to be honest, fuck a plant.

9. Solving a crime. This one is on the list because I recently binge-watched the 30 for 30: O.J. Made In America. I thought I had a pretty good idea of the story and how the justice system shit the bed on this one, but holy sheriff. Watching this five-part special is the only item on this list that is crazier than watching the guy from our golf round hang with two crows. Anyways, would love to take part in solving a crime if someone has an in.

10. Discovering I have an useless item that recently appreciated in value by ~5000%. Wouldn’t it be great to wake up one morning and Matt Lauer is like, “If you own a lime green BIC lighter, your life is about to experience quite a bit of change.” And then it’s announced that 98.99% of lime green BIC lighters were destroyed in a lighter factory fire. And that now some crazy lighter collectors on eBay are buying them like hotcakes. And I open my desk drawer that houses all my useless stuff and there’s a lime green BIC lighter. Deservedly, this is the least likely on this list.

If you enjoy more buck wild listicles such as this, feel free to refer yourself to Eric Johnson’s “6 Ways To Get Kicked Out of Your Office Holiday Party”. Godspeed.